I feel like I need to call out the elephant in the room. BABAR, GET YOUR FUCKING FEET OFF THE COFFEE TABLE.

— Brian Murphy (@chmurph) October 4, 2012

Call me a romantic, but all I want is to grow old with someone who'll find my body before the rats get to it.

— mah ree nah (@marinarachael) September 27, 2012

My body is a temple in that it's made me feel bad about myself my entire life.

— Patrick Cassels (@patrick_cassels) October 2, 2012

the trashiest part of a landing strip isn't that u look like a porn star, but that ur boyfriend looks like hitler when he's going down on u

— emily axford (@eaxford) October 4, 2012

Wait, if the president is at the debate, who is driving America? (America crashes into Portugal)

— Kevin Corrigan (@kevincorrigan) October 4, 2012

If America is the greatest country in the world, why hasn't anyone switched its name to Kool Town?

— Alex Watt (@AlexanderWatt) October 3, 2012

I cannot believe we have to be children and adults in the same lifetime.

— Kelly Hudson (@citizenhudson) September 19, 2012

i put my pants on just like everyone else: really really fast, and only when the pizza delivery guy needs to be buzzed up

— Andrew Bridgman (@AndyBridgman) October 4, 2012

Jim Lehrer spent 27 minutes telling everyone there were 3 minutes left.

— Adam Conover(@adamconover) October 4, 2012

Mitt Romney's doing pretty well for a cryogenically frozen dad extra from Back to the Future

— Will Stephen (@will_stephen) October 4, 2012

That one thing Meatloaf wouldn't do for love was to stop referring to himself as a fucking loaf of ground beef.

— Wiseguy Pictures (@WiseguyPictures) September 26, 2012

Exciting election this year! Although it's weird to see Barack Obama running as an incumbent, and John Kerry running as a Mormon Republican.

— Alex Schmidt (@AlexSchmidty) October 1, 2012

This week I'd like to wish a Happy Birthday to everyone whose parents were fucking on New Year's Eve.

— Mike Trapp (@MikeWTrapp) October 2, 2012

My greatest skill? Probably skipping YouTube ads the exact instant that five second countdown ends.

— Jeff Rubin (@JeffRubinShow) October 1, 2012

Web Tip: Use all caps when Googling. This will intimidate the engine and lead to speedier searches! Ex. "SHOW ME A BUNCH OF DOGS + YOU SLUT"

— H. Caldwell Tanner (@caldy) October 3, 2012

You know ur snacking too hard when there's a thin film of smartfood, wheat thins and cheetos dust on the sunglasses hanging from ur shirt

— Dave Rosenberg (@Davey_F_Baby) October 3, 2012

Maybe people would take the #HarryPotter author more seriously if she changed her name from JK Rowling to OMG Rowling?

— Hesley Harps (@HesleyHarps) October 2, 2012

If a new law made it illegal for people to talk about the marathon they're running/just ran, there would instantly be no more marathons

— Dan Gurewitch (@DanGurewitch) September 26, 2012

Tip for picking up ladies: bend at the knees

— Hallie Cantor (@halliecantor) October 4, 2012

Variety reporting Debates cancelled; Episode 2 and 3 to air on Stars.

— jaredneumark (@jaredneumark) October 4, 2012

I think Romney fires Big Bird, but keeps The Count on part time to help with the restructuring of Sesame Street's debts

— Saj Pothiawala (@sajpo) October 4, 2012

I hope this online ad for "One Weird Weight Loss Trick That's Making Doctors Furious!" links to a diet where you only eat doctors' pets.

— Owen Parsons (@owenBparsons) September 26, 2012

Don't worry about being a great father. If you live long enough, you'll be a great grandfather.

— Streeter Seidell (@streetseidell) September 24, 2012