Last week I bumped into a black friend of mine who was excited to see me and offered me his fist. I was immediately flustered and frantically started to handshake the extended fist. I realized I had made a big mistake when he looked at me as if I was from another planet. Now as "The Whitest Guy He Knows," I was inspired to evaluate other guy-to-guy greetings.



Here are the ten most common:



1. The Half-Hug, With Back Pat



Cool Rating: 4/5 Handshakes



Appropriate With: Friends, cousins or brothers.



Technique: Start with the classic handshake, then twist the hand into the thumb-around shake. Quickly pull the other guy closer to you and reach around him. Pat firmly on his back, as if he's choking on steak. Make sure to lower your shoulder and use it as a blocker- this prevents any actual or full hug (see description below). The half-hug should feel a little like a hockey check.



Never Use: With your boss.



2. The Full Hug


Cool Rating: 1/5 Handshakes



Appropriate With: Dad, grandpa or a member of the rescue team at the end of your episode of "I Shouldn't Be Alive."



Technique: Keeping your head as far away from the other man's head as possible, grab and embrace. Remember to pat the back and let go immediately to increase the image of heterosexuality (if that's your preference).



Never Use: With your professor, your tennis instructor or the tow truck guy.




3. The Kiss


Cool Rating: 0/5 Handshakes



Appropriate With: A Russian diplomat.



Technique: Wince and air kiss at least one foot away from this freakish European. Talk yourself down by explaining that you had to do it to respect his culture. If he turns out to be from New Jersey, take an immediate Silkwood shower.



Never Use: That's right, never use.



4. Fists



Cool Rating: 5/5 Handshakes



Appropriate With: Any other cool friends, professional athletes (if you yourself are a professional athlete. If not, back off, stalker).



Technique: Without smiling, extend your fist forward. If receiving, punch the other fist firmly. Never make an "ouch" face.


Never Use: With the author of this article.



5. The Point



Cool Rating: 3 ½ /5 Handshakes



Appropriate With: Any friend who is farther than ten feet away and you are too lazy to actually walk over to.



Technique: Extend pointer finger at your friend of choice. Aim towards his chest, not the head or penis. A small smile is acceptable, but not a laugh. Nod gently.



Never Use: Never use on a friend with a hairlip, facial deformity or Rocky Dennis' disease.



Also Never Use: If your name is Chad. Too predictable.




6. The Classic Shake



Cool Rating: 1/5 Handshakes



Appropriate With: A business associate or someone you just met.



Technique: If you know how to read and still haven't learned how to shake hands, you might be lamer than me.


Never Use: After sex .



7. The High-Five



Cool Rating: 3/5 Handshakes



Appropriate With: Anyone who has just scored a touchdown.



Technique: Put your hand up. Got it? If you are tall and want to rub it in the face of your short friend, put your hand up as high as you can. Never jump- unless you are on the 49ers.



Never Use: In front of anyone who might miss the tongue-in-cheek value of this classic 80's move.



8. The Shake Variation (Twists & Turns)



Cool Rating: 2/5 Handshakes



Appropriate With: The guy who is not quite a friend but more than an acquaintance.



Technique: After an initial classic shake, contort your hand to your liking. Never pull away with a snap.



Never Use: On someone with Carpal Tunnel.



9. The Hang-Loose Sign



Cool Rating: 0/5 Handshakes



Appropriate With: Spicoli



Technique: Extend thumb and pinky and rotate wrist. Look stoned.



Never Use: After 1982.







10. The Enos



Cool Rating: 0/5 Handshakes



Appropriate With: Cooter Davenport, Rosco P. Coltrane, Boss Hogg, Jimmy Carter.



Technique: Made famous by Deputy Enos Strate, circa 1980.

When someone extends a "'slap-me-five' hand, slap down a thumbs-up. Keep an idiotic smile plastered on your face and stay oblivious to your retardation.



Never Use: Outside of Hazzard County.