The Dell Guy Meets Justin Long

Dell guy:  Hey!  Hey, you’re Justin Long!

Justin Long:  Do I know you?

Dell guy:  Yeah dude, it’s me!  The Dell guy!

Justin Long: I’m sorry I….

Dell guy:  Come on, man.  “Dude, you’re getting a Dell!”? 

Justin Long:  Yeah I…I guess I vaguely remember you.

Dell guy:  You better, man!  You’re kind of like the new me! But for Apple!

Justin Long:  Listen I gotta go, I’m filming DieHard 4 today.

Dell guy:  Oh dude, that’s awesome!  Being a computer spokesperson is like the BEST WAY to get into show business.

Justin Long:  Actually I was already in a couple movies beforehand, so. 

Dell guy:  I mean, same difference, right man?

Justin Long:  Not really…

Dell guy:  DUDE, how sweet are the discounts?  I got like 20% off my Dell.

Justin Long:  That’s…really great.

Dell guy:  And how about the pay?  I made like $200,000 bucks off those commercials, dude! Fucking BANK!  Hey, hey dude how much did you get from Apple?

Justin Long:  Oh it’s not really important…

Dell guy:  Come on, tell me!  It’s not a big deal if it’s less, I totally haggled with those Dell dudes.

Justin Long:  Apple paid me a couple million dollars just to decline other commercial offers.

[pause]

Dell guy:  Oh…yeah okay…I mean, Dell offered me that but I turned it down, dude.  Like to keep my options open.

Justin Long:  Oh really?  I haven’t really seen you in any—

Dell guy:  I’M PICKY, OK!?!?

[pause]

Dell guy:  Can I have your autograph?

Justin Long:  I mean…I guess.  What do you want it to say?

Dell guy:  “Dell guy – You’re cool, here’s a million dollars.  Signed, Justin Long.”

Justin Long:  Yeah, I’m not going to sign that.

Dell guy:  Oh man, are you serious?  Dude, I really need the money, dude.

Justin Long:  What happened to the $200k?

Dell guy:  I, uh…it got stolen.

Justin Long: Sure it did. 

Dell guy:  Listen dude, I’m desperate.  You know what I’m doing now?  I’m a fucking waiter at Tortilla Flats in New York City, dude.  I host ‘Trivia Night’ for god’s sake.  None of my bosses even know my name!  (begins weeping)   

Justin Long:  Listen man, I gotta go. (walks away)

Dell guy:  Wait!  Dude, WAIT!  I’M THE ORIGINAL PC!  YOU’RE A MAC!  I’M A FUCKING PC!!

[silence]

Dell guy:  Dude, I’m going to kill myself.