Romney's Five Point Plan: 1. GIMME 2. GIMME 3. Pleaaaaase, come onnnn! 4. Just GIMME 5. ;)

— Dan Gurewitch (@DanGurewitch) October 17, 2012

Why isn't everyone constantly embarrassed that they're here because one time their dad sweatily whispered "I'm gonna come" to their mom?

— Hallie Cantor (@halliecantor) October 16, 2012

Mitt Romney ran the Olympics, but like three hours slower than Paul Ryan did.

— Alex Watt (@AlexanderWatt) October 17, 2012

Widowed With Children #DepressingSitcoms

— joshruben (@joshruben) October 18, 2012

Heaven is nothing but aisle seats.

— Adam Conover(@adamconover) October 15, 2012

Has anyone else played this "Netflix" game on the Xbox? Graphics are awesome but this cutscene is taking forever.

— Owen Parsons (@owenBparsons) October 19, 2012

"I was already vaguely ashamed of my heritage, but now…" (funniest moment from the season finale of MTV's GERMAN SHORE)

— Alex Schmidt (@AlexSchmidty) October 17, 2012

I hate it when you sit down at the urinal to pee and it's already warm from the guy before you.

— Kevin Corrigan (@kevincorrigan) September 26, 2012

Flight logline: If Sully was drunk and Denzel Washington

— jaredneumark (@jaredneumark) October 15, 2012

I'm on pins and needles waiting to find out which #sheep will be awarded the #Nobel Fleece Prize!!

— Hesley Harps (@HesleyHarps) October 15, 2012

"Grand Prix" is just french for anyone who likes NASCAR.

— Tom Philip (@tommphilip) October 9, 2012

First Debate: Domestic Issues, Second Debate: Town Hall, Third Debate: Plot Inconsistencies In 'Dark Knight Rises'

— Dan Hopper (@DanHopp) October 17, 2012

horse walks into a bar. the bartender says "why the long face?" the horse eats everyone with its horrible razor teeth. ps what is a 'horse'

— Pube Goldberg (@AndyBridgman) October 15, 2012

If you have a huge stretched ear piercing and haven't tried blowing a bubble out of it, what the fuck are you even doing?

— Wiseguy Pictures (@WiseguyPictures) October 16, 2012

Just ate takis for the first time!And my fingers ARE stained red!(with the blood I'm shitting)

— emily axford (@eaxford) October 12, 2012