A joke is like a woman. Everybody wants to find a good one, and the kind your mom forwards you usually stinks. That's why you need The CollegeHumor Newsletter. Every other week a new issue will arrive in your mailbox, bursting from the subject line with hilarity.



Also, it will probably get you laid. Couldn't hurt anyway.



Here's some of the best from the past few months of the newsletter. If you like what you see, you can sign up to get the newsletter yourself here.



Remember kids, spam is no joke. We will never, ever sell your email address to anyone.

---

If you describe the pediatric hospital as half occupied, does that make you an optimist or a pessimist?

---

Many sociologists argue that nothing rots a child's brain like television, but I've found virtually all hydrogen peroxide based gasses to be quite effective.

---

The ability to reason is all that separates man from the animals.
– slogan of the world's most dangerous zoo

~ submitted by Ethan Trex

---

~ submitted by Ethan Trex

---

Depressing Trivia
– In the Islamic world, "Osama" has been the most common baby name for four years running!
– Scientists estimate there is a 1 in 85 chance that a "class E catastrophic" asteroid will hit the Earth within the next 50 years!
– 50,000 cubic feet of polar ice caps melt every day! That's enough to fill Yankee Stadium!
– 1 in 7 puppies suffers from undiagnosable heartworms, but is unable to communicate his pain!

---

Fun Nicknames for Women Who Can't Have Children
– Barren Karen
– Infertile Myrtle
– Dried Up Va-Geena

~ submitted by Thornton Papadopoulos

---

Constellation Reviews

Orion The Hunter – 8 stars

The Big Dipper – 7 stars

Perseus – 12 stars

~ submitted by Amir B.

---

Five Things I Learned While Watching MTV's "The Hills"

5. Blonds ARE dumb!

4. So are brunettes.

3. Wait – EVERYONE in Los Angeles is dumb.

2. AND every apartment complex has a pool?!

1. Shit, I should really move to LA.

~ submitted by Kate Spencer

---

Cliches Excluded From Literal Interpretion in the "Amelia Bedelia" Books
– Keep your eyes peeled
– Put your nose to the grindstone
– Kill two birds with one stone
– Eat crow
– Put that in your pipe and smoke it
– Cut off your nose to spite your face

~ submitted by Boobs Radley

---

Jobs That Require No Education, but Make A Lot of Money
– Airport skycap
– NBA Superstar
– Money-printing press operator

~ submitted by Ethan Trex

---

A sobering fact – you are drinking water.

~ submitted by Tom Sunnergren

---

Rules for Speed Monopoly

One player decides he is the banker. Then, for no good reason, the banker hits everyone as hard as he possibly can. Starting counter clockwise of the banker, each player gets a chance to hit everyone else. By the end, everyone will be mad at each other and you will have saved yourself several hours of arguing and math!

---

That link again is www.collegehumor.com/newsletter/. Watch out for a new issue tonight. Sometimes the first one gets caught by your spam filter.