"I'm not lying!" was probably the second lie ever told

— Streeter Seidell (@streetseidell) October 18, 2012

Turns out tough dudes are less likely to get in a fistfight with you if you insist on calling it "angry touching."

— Owen Parsons (@owenBparsons) October 21, 2012

when life hands you lemons, try to get a 3+ combo in fruit ninja

— Will Stephen (@will_stephen) October 20, 2012

If it's not a Dyson Airblade, I'm not washing my hands.

— Jeff Rubin (@JeffRubinShow) October 23, 2012

"Suah, when I wahs just sahm kid it was hahd bein' supah queeah." — excerpt from the inspirational YouTube project IT GETS WICKED BETTA

— Alex Schmidt (@AlexSchmidty) October 22, 2012

I'm not great at being nice, but I mean well.

— Alex Watt (@AlexanderWatt) October 19, 2012

thats what i love about high school girls: i keep getting older and theyre gaining knowledge they can use to make the world a better place

— Pube Goldberg (@AndyBridgman) October 24, 2012

I want to do that thing where Elliott drunkenly frees all of the frogs in E.T. but with the elderly Walmart greeters.

— Wiseguy Pictures (@WiseguyPictures) October 25, 2012

Love is like war, and also like a Broadway show and an angry mob and Mensa and other things I'll never be in

— Hallie Cantor (@halliecantor) October 22, 2012

Flash fiction: One time a girl let me see her naked.

— Tom Philip (@tommphilip) October 25, 2012

I don't know what rock bottom tastes like but I can tell you how a vodka Slim Fast does.

— mah ree nah (@marinarachael) October 24, 2012

Costume idea: Xander from Homeland

— jaredneumark (@jaredneumark) October 24, 2012

#JustinTimberlake got married? Un-biel-ievable!

— Hesley Harps (@HesleyHarps) October 24, 2012

"I'll hand it to you, that new movie where you fly a plane upside down looks pretty good" – Romney confusing Obama for Denzel Washington

— Saj Pothiawala (@sajpo) October 23, 2012

When scrolling through photos of a girl you like, at what age is it not appropriate to find her attractive?

— Dan Siegel (@dssiegel) October 20, 2012

Hey United States, let's start referring to England as "Old America" as a goof and see if it sticks. #pride #PassItOn

— H. Ghoulwell Terror(@caldy) October 16, 2012

All sports should have alternate leagues where people can take all the steroids they want. I'd watch that.

— Kevin Corrigan (@kevincorrigan) October 22, 2012