Quit Trying To Change Me

Look I’m a man set in my ways. Don’t think you can just come into my life with your “refrigerate” this and “don’t pee in the houseplant” that and expect me to do a 180.



Why are you drunk all the time?

Why are you a bitch all the time? Don’t worry about me, I have it all figured out: liquor before beer… in the clear. It’s the Contra code of drinking. It’s not the amount of drinks you have it’s the order you have them, don’t you know anything? So when I ordered seven jack and cokes AND THEN 5-6 beers I was thinking, thinking like a fox! Now lets go to white castle, I’m buying. And by buying I mean driving. You’re actually buying.



What’s that all over your fridge?

Oh that’s just some hot sauce my roommate spilled. When was it spilled? I dunno, how long ago was the super bowl? Why don’t I just clean it even though I didn’t spill it? You just don’t get it do you?



Are you really going to wear that?

Hey, say what you want about me but Big Johnson t-shirts are an American classic. Look at him he’s all nerdy looking but he is holding this huge surfboard right at crotch level. It’s like he has a big dick! Get it? Those cartoon ladies with the big boobies sure do seem to get it, they’re all over him! They don’t look like they are judging Big Johnson or trying to change Big Johnson, they are just happy with Big Johnson the way he is with his giant surf board penis. You have zero appreciation of irony.

When are you going to wash those dishes?

When I feel like it, that’s when. It’s not like they are getting any dirtier. Okay I just checked them and they are in fact getting dirtier. That’s actually disgusting. But we’ll never know how dirty they can get if I clean them now. And I don’t even know why the Forman Grill is in there; everyone knows you never have to wash that. Gross? Look I’m trying to knock out the fat and I could really use your support.



Why do you hang out with those losers?

It’s not like I can’t stop being friends with someone just because you don’t like them. He said what to you? Well what were you doing when he said that? Okay, well what were you wearing? That’s what I thought. Denis is just like that. Don’t be lame about this.



Why is there a stack of porn next to your toilet?

I am going to pretend I didn’t hear that, just like I pretend the top one doesn’t have my dried pee all over it.



Do you have a Condom?

More like a con-no-thank-you.



Con-don’t would have sounded better.

Look do you want to have unprotected sex or not?



I’m not even asking you these questions. You’re just some guy I met in a bar a few weeks ago and you have been calling you every day to list things that you won’t change about yourself.

Typical.