Tips For Showing Your Off-Campus Apartment

Man, looking for off campus housing is tough! But making your own pad look attractive for potential subletters can be even tougher. You’ll probably try to trick poor schlubs into renting out your place. Maybe you’ll throw on a fresh coat of paint or push a couch over a rug stain. I’m sorry, but screw that. I watch TLC, too. Admittedly, I’m no Ty Pennington, but here’s a few tips to make your apartment a warm and welcome place for anybody shopping for a sublet.



Connect your toilet to your shower. This should be pretty self-explanatory, but prospective renters are often excited to see what happens when hot water comes out as doodie. For flair, fill an ordinary milk jug with bath salts.



Prepare for people dropping by for a tour of the pad by always being naked. When they ask if they’ve come at a bad time, respond, “Only if you’re not flexible.” Growl like a tiger.



Brag to prospective renters about the 1.5 bathrooms. Then, attach a doorknob to your refrigerator and refer to it as the “powder room.” Offer them a diet coke.



Draw chalk outlines on your living room floor of a man, a goat and a ten-foot spear. Let them make their own conclusions. If you catch them staring for too long, pull back a rug and reveal a dead man and goat. Comment about the building’s lenient pet policy.



If you live in a bad neighborhood, remove every lock from the front door and replace them with a Post-It note that reads, “Please don’t rob me.” Then place a second Post-It note under the first that reads, “Again.” Prospective renters will appreciate the honesty.



Write yourself a really dirty love letter and then sign it with the name of your superintendent. Post said letter in public view. For additional amusement, post a second letter written to your mom. Boast about the family atmosphere.



Using a labelmaker, change the names on every downstairs mailbox to “Mr. and Mrs. Nazi.” People will understand your sense of humor and empathize with your tongue-in-cheek anti-semitism.



Refer to your landlord as He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named. Then, accidentally name him and have your roommate bludgeon you to death with an aluminum bat. OK, this one totally won’t sell your place. But aren’t you curious?



If you have some extra white paint lying around, pay a homeless man ten dollars to stand against one of your walls and have you paint over him. When people ask, refer to him as a “utility.”



Since paint’s expensive, if you have a bit left at the bottom of the can, paint a cabinet shut. In this cabinet, place a year’s supply of Meow Mix and a cat. If your prospective renters have children, tell the youngest one that if they can find the cat, they can keep it. Hilarity ensues. Hilarity and a dead cat.



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