You need 270 Electoral Votes to win the Presidency, but only 150 to buy that dope electric guitar on the top shelf at Chuck E. Cheese's.

— H. Caldwell Tanner (@caldy) November 7, 2012

Snow that's not deep enough to play in is like a movie that's not quite bad enough to be funny.

— Dan Hopper (@DanHopp) November 8, 2012

I'm not a person who's worried about turning into their mother, because I'm definitely turning into the more feminine of my two dads.

— Alex Schmidt (@AlexSchmidty) November 9, 2012

Mitt Romney's mostly disappointed he doesn't get to see the book of secrets.

— Jeff Rubin (@JeffRubinShow) November 7, 2012

The only negative about Obama getting reelected is that I can't stop texting "Four more years?" to my ex girlfriends.

— Alex Watt (@AlexanderWatt) November 8, 2012

I'd never thought of taking a person's life, until that fateful day when the guy folding my burrito at Chipotle let a piece of meat fall out

— Andrew Pilgrimdgman (@AndyBridgman) November 5, 2012

BREAKING: Colorado legalizes pot with passage of Amendment 420. Nah, just kidding, it was Amendment 64. Go light one up, ya goofs.

— Owen Parsons (@owenBparsons) November 7, 2012

Girl, we go together like Dunkin' Donuts and Baskin Robbins.

— Brian Murphy (@chmurph) October 15, 2012

using condoms feels like the word prophylactics sounds

— emily axford (@eaxford) October 22, 2012

Things that haven't happend this week: alien invasion, second coming of Christ, that's about it.

— Patrick Cassels (@patrick_cassels) November 7, 2012

Legal weed, gay marriage and a black president – take THAT, grandma!

— Streeter Seidell (@streetseidell) November 7, 2012