Planning Your Mustache
So you and your face want to grow a mustache eh? Well this is very big step in your lives and one that shouldn't be taken without the proper planning. For starters, are you financially stable enough to be able to fully support a mustache? Time, money, and fine combs will be needed if you want him to develop into something truly special. Young hairs require hours of morning care and constant attention, but if you still feel confident in yourself and your upper lip, you get to move onto the fun part! You no longer have to worry about all of that pesky protection! No more toilet paper squares for when you cut yourself and no more aftershave; you'll finally have a chance to feel free! Make sure that you have done plenty of research like googling pictures of Tom Selleck or photoshopping one of your eyebrows over your lip. This decision is going to stay with you for the rest of your life and you have to realize it's going to take a toll on you, your face, and your chances with that girl that looked at you on the bus.
Birth of Your Mustache
CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR NEW MUSTACHE! You can really kind of see it! Sure they are a little ugly when they're newly born, but you'll still pretend it's the cutest thing in the world. When your little mustache grows up, it could be anything it wants from a pair of hard working handlebars to a wise, old, fu manchu. So what if your friends make fun of you for how much care and attention you have been giving the little guy, they just don't understand what it's like to take care of a small, defenseless creature. And how great does it look in all of those Instagram pictures? Your Parents always ask to see your little creation and in the right light they can! At the end of the day, when you look closely enough at yourself in the mirror you can confidently say how proud you are.
Raising Your Mustache
Wow, this is a lot of work isn't it? Much more than you thought it would be. I mean when was the last time you slept? Not to mention the constant worrying if they are growing right or if they are the reason your friends are avoiding your calls. And what did Jim say about him? He asked, "If it was a goatee?!" Does everyone think that? In spite all of your tender love and care, hairs still lash out unpredictably and they rebel as you try to set them straight. The general public has stopped talking to you. You are alone in this world and all you have to show for it is this stupid mustache! Feelings of resentment begin to arise and you'll say things that you'll later regret like, "you never planned on having a mustache in the first place!" or, "you regret not leaving your razor wrapped!" You begin to doubt yourself. Maybe you were never ready for that mustache after all. You imagine what your life might have been like if you remained hairless like that fun uncle you have. These feelings are normal to all mustache owners. After rubbing shaving cream on your face and threatening to shave all ties to it, you suddenly realize why you wanted a mustache in the first place. Being seven years old and watching Magnum, P.I. with your dad as he tells you that, "one day, when you gain a lot of weight and need to distract everyone, you will have a mustache of your own." You've already gone through the hard part. Each passing day you start noticing that the hairs are coming in bigger and stronger, and you realize it's all worth it as it hugs your lip.
Your Mustache Coming of Age
They grow up so fast don't they? I mean one day you're wiping them clean after eating that burrito and the next they're trying to fit in society. This is new for your mustache, most of his life has been spent with girls pointing, laughing, and vomiting at the sight of him. Now your mustache is the first thing they notice! Sure it might be because it has a bits of food in it's hair or because it smells of sweat after going to the gym. Regardless, people are starting to take notice and everyone eventually works through this awkward stage in their lives. Don't even get me started on the stroking! Your mustache is at a point in it's life where all it can think about doing is rubbing against the upper lip of a girl. Your little boy is starting to become a man and as a tear rolls down your face, you feel him catch it and smile back.
Letting Your Mustache Out into the World
That really was quite the adventure wasn't it? The warmth you two shared on those cold winter nights. The friends you lost while looking after your mustache. That chaotic family portrait? All of those nervous thoughts about going to the barbershop and asking if he can make it look like an accident? Good times. But the day is finally here and that little stache you had a month ago has finally grown up and you are ready to show him off to the world. Sure you two have been together since the moment he was born, but now he's older and bigger, and you have to trust that he grew up right. People look at him differently than they once did. Firemen, your tax attorney and that security guard at the mall all give you nods as the two of you walk by and you know it's all because of him. You'll miss hearing him rustle in the wind or when you two used to play catch with the crumbs. Just talking about it makes you tear up. Now the time has come for you to let him grow freely and without restriction and know you two will always love each other.
Killing Your Mustache
HOLY SHIT, GET THIS DEMON SEED OFF OF MY FACE!!!