"Yes. That's fine. Thank you." – Everything I have ever said during a haircut.

— Tom Philip (@tommphilip) November 12, 2012

Damn it. I underslept while staying in bed for too long again.

— Alex Watt (@AlexanderWatt) November 11, 2012

Cool Fact: Tropicana has one orange tree in NYC. They make one carton of OJ from it a year and auction it for charity. It tastes terrible.

— Kevin Corrigan (@kevincorrigan) November 8, 2012

When Halo 4 was released, we ignored the signs. Then came Skyfall. Now finally Black Ops has arrived to seal our fate. Brovember is upon us.

— H. Caldwell Tanner (@caldy) November 13, 2012

The 8 People You See on Your Acid Trip: 1. Fear monster covered in insanity scales who chews you with teeth made of secrets 2. gggggggggffff

— Hallie Cantor (@halliecantor) November 13, 2012

if you ever yell out the wrong name during sex just remember YOU'RE the one who bought this japanese body pillow so you can say whatever

— Andrew Pilgrimdgman (@AndyBridgman) November 13, 2012

Memes have replaced puns as the lowest form of humor.

— Jeff Rubin (@JeffRubinShow) November 8, 2012

Idea for local news story: The lines at Black Friday

— Dan Hopper (@DanHopp) November 14, 2012

"Yo, someone broke all your cocoa puffs." – Vin Diesel, eating Nesquik with a spoon. #VinDieselSunday

— Owen Parsons (@owenBparsons) November 11, 2012

When you're married you can have sex whenever you want. Except tonight. I've got an early morning, baby.

— Streeter Seidell (@streetseidell) November 9, 2012

Riddle: What's cute, awesome, and repulsive? A: A grown man who buys a huge chocolate cupcake in Times Square at 5:55 pm.

— Kelly Hudson (@citizenhudson) November 12, 2012

I may fumble with a bra clasp from time to time, but you ladies aren't exactly graceful when it comes to removing my Spanx.

— Wiseguy Pictures (@WiseguyPictures) November 14, 2012

Going to law school is how intelligent, sucessful people give up.

— Adam Conover(@adamconover) November 15, 2012

Sometimes my cats just look at me like "Really? You're gonna play Halo 4 half naked after reading that Bruce Lee quote about uselessness?"

— joshruben (@joshruben) November 12, 2012

In a complex world, it's comforting to know that people that spell chillin' "chillen" are objectively worse and should be treated as such

— Dan Gurewitch (@DanGurewitch) November 2, 2012