Black Friday can refer to the day America fell into a decade of ruinous depression, or a day to get a TV on sale.

— Mike Trapp (@MikeWTrapp) November 15, 2012

If it's not working out with your new dog, just move out and let the pooch keep the apartment. Show some class.

— Owen Parsons (@owenBparsons) November 25, 2012

Really, anyone writing for a TV show they didn't create is professionally writing fan fiction.

— Kevin Corrigan (@kevincorrigan) November 23, 2012

Eddie Murphy's funeral is going to be awkward because how is he going to play his whole family?

— Adam Conover(@adamconover) November 25, 2012

I don't need to be super-famous, just famous enough to get asked to do a Pistachios commercial the millisecond I'm forgotten.

— Dan Hopper (@DanHopp) November 29, 2012

Even Narcissus himself wouldn't care about unlocking the full list of who's looking at his LinkedIn profile

— Hallie Cantor (@halliecantor) November 21, 2012

Happiness comes from within, lady I sneezed on.

— Alex Watt (@AlexanderWatt) November 27, 2012

Never judge a book by its cover, even if you just want to know the title/author. The world is a deceptive place.

— Tom Philip (@tommphilip) November 28, 2012

I don't mean to be a downer, but that plastic bag from American Beauty is full of BPA and phthalates, and will take 500 years to decompose.

— Wiseguy Pictures (@WiseguyPictures) November 19, 2012

You guys, Syria doesn't have any Internet right now! Let's Tweet about them behind their back. #SyriaGossip

— Alex Schmidt (@AlexSchmidty) November 29, 2012

FOOD FACT: Pancakes were invented by adults who wanted to eat cookies for breakfast but were too ashamed to pour syrup on the cookies.

— Amir Blumenfeld (@jakeandamir) November 20, 2012

Perfect. Just perfect. Iran is close to building a nuclear bomb and our only source of nuclear winter-proof food goes away. #Hostess

— Streeter Seidell (@streetseidell) November 16, 2012

ladies call me santa claus because i only come once a year and your parents used to lie about my existence

— Andrew Bridgsanta (@AndyBridgman) November 29, 2012