Whatever you call the tubby, old man in the sleigh, one thing remains constant: He's kinda hot. Every time the Christmas season rolls around, guys like me have to compete with Santa while the ladies fall head over heels for him. Not quite following me? Well, here's 10 reasons why the ancient elf of yuletide is one of the steamiest dudes around.
1. WardrobeMany people take Santa's super curve-defining jumpsuit for granted, but step back and drink that thing in. Nobody else in the world (besides probably Steve Harvey. That guy has swag.) Point is, you need to be a 9.9 or a 10 to pull that thing off, and when Papa Noel struts around in it, he looks
2. Good with kidsSure, elves aren't technically kids. They're like 500 years old or whatever. But, since they look, act, and sound just like kids, chances are Santa is good with human children as well. He makes guys the world over look bad with his ability to control effectively, make them laugh, and also put 'em to good work. Not to mention having to live at home with them all year. Now that's a man.
3. Facial hairOne of the hottest things on a man is his facial hair. Recently, many male celebs have been going with the "5 o'clock shadow" look, but not Santa. Santa doesn't conform. He's been kicking it with the timeless "foxy hermit" beard for centuries, letting those luscious white curls roll down his manly, barrel chest. And, not to mention, he's confident with it. Not once has he changed his style, and that's sexy in its own regard.
4. CarSomething many guys pride themselves in is their automobile. Guys with Ferraris, Porsches, and even Corvettes seem to easily score the ladies because of the quality of their car. But no vehicle on God's green earth compares to Santa's ride. The only person that even comes relatively close is the Pope in his Pope-mobile. But a freaking flying sleigh? Sexy. Pulled by magical flying deer, that he talks to? Downright saucy. The brutal truth is that you will never in your life whip it like Kris Kringle.
5. Sense of HumorEverybody loves a good sense of humor. You want to be around somebody who makes you smile and feel good. So, I ask, does anyone you can think of do that better than Santa? Just looking at the guy can make you feel like a kid again. He probably has the elves in tears of laughter DAILY back at the N.P. Not to mention, that contagious laugh of his. If I was a damsel outside on the night of the 24th and I heard that jolly "Ho ho ho" echo through the air, I'd be paralyzed with sexual longing.
6. Always has time to hear what's on your mindFor most gentleman, listening to their lady vent is one of the most unenjoyable parts of their day. Not for Santa. He will put you on his lap, look you in the eye, and make you tell him everything on his mind. He's not around? That's fine! He invites everyone to write him a letter at home, neatly outlining everything it is they may want from life. That's some classy stuff. Oh, and if you're good? He'll give you anything you want.
(Disclaimer: Do not lie to Santa about being good. He knows you better than that. Don't take him for a fool).
7. Real estateNext to the car, another material good that can add to the sex appeal of an individual is where they dwell. Santa Claus lives on a frozen ocean, 8,500 acres of winter wonderland. Your duplex in Hell's Kitchen looks like a goddamn cardboard box next to Santa's crib. When it comes to being desired, Santa knows the drill: Location, location, location.
8. MysteriousAnyone who claims to fully understand Sinterklass is straight up lying. Although his face can be seen everywhere this time of year, along with countless interpretations of his life on ABC Family, nobody gets Santa. He's elusive. He's ancient. He seems to know everything about you with one glance. How does he get down that chimney? How could he possibly deliver toys to every child in the world in one night? Where does he use the bathroom when delivering presents? These are all questions that make people gush over the mystery of old Saint Nick.
9. FaithfulA haunting fact about Santa is one many people try to avoid: He is NOT a bachelor. He has been faithfully married to Mrs. Claus since 1849, having tied the knot when finding another person who doesn't age (after the relationship with the female from Highlander: Episode 5 didn't work out). And, things seem to be going very well for them. Every time they are seen together, romance seems to be living and breathing, and the flame of love is far from dwindling. Word on the street is, Mrs. Claus finds her husband "delicious". This leads many to envy both Santa and the Mrs, adding to his charm.
10. BodyThe tenth and final reason that Santa is extremely titillating is that kickin' bod. Sure, he lacks washboard abs. True, he doesn't have the most toned biceps on planet earth. And yes, his jawline is not as prominent as it used to be. But forget all that, leave it up to the Easter bunny. Santa has something else. Hugging somebody with a stone-solid core doesn't feel as good as hugging a man with some plushiness about him. Who wants to cuddle with a bodybuilder? Nobody. Forget him being "big spoon", Santa Claus shows you what its like to be freshly baked gingerbread cookie inside of a magical, sexy oven. Who doesn't want that on a cold winter's night?
photo from Shutterstock . Connor's twitter: @ConnorDonald