Novak Djokovic Bought All Of The World's Donkey Cheese

This is not a joke, people. The world's top-ranked tennis player just spent over $500/pound to buy the entire annual supply of global donkey cheese. The cheese is also known as "pule," not to be confused with "puke," which is of course what happens after you eat donkey cheese.

Football Happened:

• The Seahawks Crushed The Cardinals 58-0
  Following the loss, Cardinals coach Ken Whisenhunt apologized to fans, saying that the game was "embarrassing." "Also," he added to Cardinals followers, "sorry about 1975 through 2012."

• Washington Won In Overtime Despite Big Injury To RGIII
  Overcoming a knee injury to star QB Robert Griffin III, the 'Skins beat regional rivals the Baltimore Ravens, 31 to 28. Quoth the Ravens, "Dammit."

• The Eagles Beat The Buccaneers As Time Expired
  Eagles fans were granted temporary respite from their self loathing as rookie Nick Foles threw a last-second TD pass to lead to team past Tampa Bay 23-21. Eagles players are hoping the game will motivate Foles to focus on football, rather than his plan B, which was to follow Phish around the country on their next tour.
  
  
  

Carmelo Anthony Scored 45 Points In A 3-Point Knicks Win Over Nets

The 100-97 victory evened the season series between the New York basketball teams at one game apiece. The intra-city matchup is shaping up to be quite a rivalry, with two exciting basketball games already completed. I think we can all agree, though, that no matter what the outcome of the games, the real winners are the apparel companies. I mean the fans. Definitely the fans.

Navy Beat Army For The Eleventh Straight Year

The U.S. Naval Academy topped Westpoint in the annual Army/Navy football game, winning 17-13. It was the eleventh straight victory for the Midshipmen. As a result of the victory, the United States will continue to maintain a Navy for at least one more year.

Lionel Messi Scored Two Goals To Bring 2012 Total To 88

FC Barcelona striker Lionel Messi increased his record number of goals to 88 for the year, scoring both goals in a 2-0 win over Cordoba on Wednesday. I guess you could say the opposing goalie found himself in a [puts on sunglasses] Messi situation.

Kevin Youkilis Signed With The Yankees

Longtime Red Sox third baseman Kevin Youkilis signed a one-year, $12 million contract with the New York Yankees, despite concerns about being displaced when Alex Rodriguez returns from injury. "I find your lack of faith disturbing," said Yankees Emperor Brian Cashman. "Give yourself to the Dark Side. It is the only way you can save your career."

Johnny Football Won The Heisman Trophy

Texas A&M's quarterback became the first freshman to win the award in its 77-year history. "We couldn't be prouder," said his parents, Michelle and Paul Football.

Big East Basketball Teams Talked About Not Being Big East Basketball Teams Anymore

Seven universities met with the commissioner of the Big East Athletic Conference to discuss the future of their basketball-only conference affiliation. Many expect the teams to leave the Big East to join the Atlantic 10 conference, adding 7 more teams to the 14 already in the incorrectly-named A-10. "We're athletes, not MATHletes," said A-10 Commissioner Bernadette McGlade in a press conference. She then slipped out of the room as the press conference devolved to an increasingly loud chant of "U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A!"

The Cincinnati Reds Acquired Shin Soo Choo In A Three Team Trade

Unfortunately, baseball writers around the world missed the opportunity to write stories with the headline "CIN Soo Choo."

An Indiana H.S. Girls Basketball Team Won 107-2.

Bloomington South defeated Arlington in girls high school basketball by an incredible 105 point margin on Tuesday night, drawing criticism from parents saying the team ran up the score. Sounds like they should have spent less time whining and more time criticizing Arlington for being so bad at basketball, though, amirite?

Play of the Week:

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