No. I'm not doing Christmas this year.
Um, because my eyes have been OPENED? Yeah, I learned all about it in my freshman seminar. I think it's really important that people learn about the way corporations brainwash people into buying things they don't need with money they don't have. Maybe buying presents is okay for SOME people. Like, I'm sure you have a good reason. I just don't think my dollars should be fueling the American corporatocracy. I know I'm only one man, but sometimes one man can make a difference. And sacrifice. My sacrifice this year is that I won't be buying presents.
I will still be accepting them, though.
Wow, guys, wow, thank you so so so so so so so much for coming to the totally fun and completely mandatory Company Christmas Fun-Time*: a subsidiary of the Hearne Company! Now, I know you guys are full of holiday spirit, and want to start drinking those HOLIDAY SPIRITS (HAHAHAAHAHAAHAHA)**, but let me remind you that company policy dictates that each person is limited to precisely two drinks for the duration of the party***, okay? Good? Okay? Yay!
Also, I'm noticing a lot of you are not wearing your ugly Christmas sweaters. That's just a fun thing we do. It's fun! But you will also not be permitted into the party unless you are wearing one. So if you don't have one, you better GET KNITTING (HAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA).
Now, I know you're all looking forward to the president's annual speech where he unsuccessfully attempts to relate to all you lowly peons, but before we begin I'm going to need all of you to line up in order of your favorite Christmas carol! I'm sure you can figure it out. And we'll be keeping an extra eye on those of you Tom who try to get more than two drinks. We will fire you.
(HAHAAHAHAHAHAHA)* Fun-Time is a registered trade-mark and may consist of fun-like product instead of "fun." ****
** Yes, somehow I can laugh parenthetically! (HAHAAHAHAHA)
*** Party may not be "fun"
**** Yes, somehow I can speak in footnotes! (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA)
Everyone! Everyone! Stop that fun thing you're doing. We need to take a picture, capture this moment, and share it online.
So that it can become one of thousands in a stream of identical, universally ignored holiday photos, of course!
Oh, you'll be happy to have the picture once it's taken. Come on, now, let's all gather around the tree.
Okay, now one on the other side of the tree.
Okay, now let's do a SILLY one.
Oh, we need to do the silly one again because Laura was blinking. Say, "REINDEER!"
OH! OH! Reindeer! Let's do one with our hands as reindeer antlers.
Just one more, this won't take long. I want to capture how much fun we were having before I started trying to capture how much fun we're having.
Yay! Reindeer antlers!
Hey, while we're all gathered together we should make a fun little video.
Come ON, it'll be FUN!
Um, ACTUALLY, Jesus probably wasn't born in December. Christmas is in December because it let early Christians incorporate pagan solstice ceremonies into the Christian tradition. Oh, did you already know that fairly commonly known fact? Well, you must be like me: a rare intellectual floating in a sea of idiots. Nevermind that my vast, clearly superior knowledge appears to be limited to Wikipedia facts and Reddit TILs from the past week. That's a coincidence.
Where are you going? We've only just begun. You see, you're threatening my position of Most Intelligent Person here, and I'm afraid I can't let you leave until I've intellectually bested you. We were talking about Christmas trivia, yes? Do you know about Krampus? About the origin of Christmas trees? About Zwarte Piet? About how insecure I am? About how important it is that I seem smart? That I am loved? Don't you take this away from me. DON'T YOU TAKE IT!