I resolve to put a nickel in a jar every time I swear and then spend that shit on whatever the fuck I want to.

Will Stephen

I resolve to learn how to fold a fitted sheet. WITH MY MIND.
Dan Gurewitch

I resolve to invent a jet pack, then only use it for getting hard to reach areas while dusting.
Paul Briganti

When someone is talking in the movie theatre, I resolve to muster up the courage to actually turn around and politely "ssh" them.
Adam Conover

Finish that "Call Me Maybe" parody I've been working on.
Chris "Falcon" Han

I resolve to start a twitter, tweet out complaints about twitter, and then delete it when my mom starts following me. Just kidding, love you mom lol.
Hannah Grant

Puzzles clever into them makes that if as backwards sentences writing stop to resolve I.
Hallie Cantor

I resolve to stop wasting my life watching re-runs of Law and Order: SVU and start wasting my life watching re-runs of Law and Order: Criminal Intent.
Jeff "Rosie: Rosenberg

I resolve to stop spending so much time eating. With the recent advancements in blender technology, puréeing my ham sandwiches will save me at least 15 minutes a week, which over a year comes to 780 MINUTES better spent researching new blender technology.
Dave Rosenberg

want to do something for other people this year. I resolve to win the lottery, buy my own private waterpark, go to space, have sex with super models, and become the president of the United States, so all you chumps can live vicariously through me.
Kevin Corrigan

To actually learn how to read & write, instead of just guessing what keys to press all the time. If my boss finds out what I've been doing, he'll blanrdkrm vroomy spaghettinuts for sure.
Owen Parsons

This year I am going to be less stressed, and I think I can do it as long as everything goes perfectly and nothing bad happens at all.
Jeff Rubin

My New Year's Resolution is to read even more into things—even though I know you hate me.
Alex Watt

I resolve to be a better me, or, failing that, a better Pat Cassels.

Mike Trapp

This year I'm going to stop making other people's problems my own and quit volunteering at the soup kitchen once and for all.

Streeter Seidell

I resolve to stop making everything into a joke.
Susanna Wolff

I was going to resolve to have the most annoying resolution of all time, but then I took an arrow to the knee #YOLO #KONY2012

Caldwell Tanner