Radio Shack is just as antiquated a name as "Telegraph Hovel"

— Mike Trapp (@MikeWTrapp) January 3, 2013

Brussel sprouts need a new PR agent, they're not nearly as bad as children's tv shows would lead you to believe.

— Jeff Rubin (@JeffRubinShow) December 30, 2012

I dropped E with the author of the Harry Potter series. I was like, "do you feel anything yet?" And she was like, "no…J/K, rolling!"

— Wiseguy Pictures (@WiseguyPictures) December 31, 2012

My favorite snowboard trick is not pulling my back when I fall down.

— Streeter Seidell (@streetseidell) January 2, 2013

Sometimes I just want to scream the N word. #novice

— josh ruben (@joshruben) January 2, 2013

The most offensive part of Django Unchained was Quentin Tarantino's Australian accent.

— Adam Conover(@adamconover) December 31, 2012

It's only 30 degrees, but with the wind chill it feels like FUCK DAMN! WE REALLY HAVE THREE MORE MONTHS OF THIS? DAMMIT! #winter

— Kevin Corrigan (@kevincorrigan) December 29, 2012

Baristas are the thinking man's stripper

— emily axford (@eaxford) January 2, 2013

The hardest part of making a successful, independent hot sauce is deciding which one of Satan's private parts to name it after.

— H. Caldwell Tanner (@caldy) January 1, 2013

"Nyahh, see? We're the Gangster Squad, see?" – Entire Script To 'Gangster Squad'

— Dan Hopper (@DanHopp) January 3, 2013

Drinking alone in my apartment is fun except no one's here to admire the mural i painted or point out that this is the apt next door to mine

— Hallie Cantor (@halliecantor) December 30, 2012

My favorite thing about being famous is people telling me that I'm not famous and that just the sight of me depresses them.

— Alex Watt (@AlexanderWatt) January 2, 2013

At my high school reunion, where I'll get revenge on YEAH RIGHT GUREBITCH Tyler give me back my phone HEY EVERYONE GUREBITCH LOST HIS PHONE

— Dan Gurewitch (@DanGurewitch) December 29, 2012