Calendar Of Excuses For Why You're Fat

by Dan Hopper on January 14, 2013

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Calendar Of Excuses For Why You're Fat

By

Dan Hopper

CALENDAR OF EXCUSES FOR WHY YOU’RE FAT

January 1: “Alright, I’m super out of shape, but the Holidays just ended - everyone in the world is out of shape, so it’s fine. Just gotta start going to the gym again soon.”

January 15: “Four inches of snow?? Screw this, I’m not going to the gym.”

February 1: “Ugggh, Valentine’s Day coming up. No one’s gonna see me naked anyway, so who cares if I’m in shape?”

February 15: “Ugggh, all those Valentine’s Day FB statuses. Although, that Instagram of the steak with the candles around it looks really good. Think I’ll order a steak burrito.”

March 1: “It’s STILL frickin’ cold outside? I thought winter was ending? Good thing I didn’t renew my gym membership.”

March 15: “Better build up a good eating-base before St. Patrick’s Day. If anything, it would be worse for my body if I don’t eat like a maniac this week.”

April 1: “After reviewing income from last year, I realize I can’t really afford a gym membership right now anyway, so I’m not really ‘out of shape’ so much as I’m just being extremely frugal.”

April 15: “Filling out that tax form basically counted as a half marathon. That had to burn off some brain-calories, right? I feel healthier. Yeah, it counts.”

May 1: “Better build up a good eating-base before Cinco De Mayo. I’m probably not gonna actually do any drinking that night because all the bars will be super annoying, but better safe than sorry.”

May 15: “Four inches of rain?? Screw this, I’m not going to the gym.”

June 1: “MEMORIAL DAY COOKOUT!”

June 15: “Seventy-four degrees outside?? Screw this, I’m not going to the gym, it’s way too nice out.”

July 1: “FOURTH OF JULY COOKOUT!”

July 15: “So many leftovers from that Fourth Of July cookout! I don’t really need to eat more burgers and hot dogs, but if all this food spoils, those probably-adorable animals will have died in vain.”

August 1: “Ninety-four degrees outside?? Screw this, I’m not going to the gym, it’s way too hot out.”

August 15: “I was gonna go for a run, but I’m going on vacation next week so I’m just gonna fall back out of shape anyway. But I’m definitely renewing my gym membership the week I get back - that way, I can eat like a maniac on vacation and not feel guilty about it.”

September 1: “LABOR DAY COOKOUT!”

September 15: “Better build up a good eating-base before National Talk Like A Pirate Day. YARRR, me don’t want tah be drunk textan any of me ex-landlubbers!”

October 1: “Oh man, so this must be the Freshman-15 everyone always talks about. Didn’t realize you still got that when you’re 27 and not in school anymore.”

October 15: “Better build up a good eating-base before Halloween Night. Hmm, not sure I’m thin enough to pull off this Don Draper costume. WAIT! I’ll just add a cane and be Bates from Downton. BOOM! Gonna open these Hershey’s Miniatures.”

November 1: “Sixty-one degrees outside with a 20% chance of rain from 7 to 9 pm?? Screw this, I’m not going to the gym.”

November 15: “Alright, so here’s the deal. I know I’m gonna eat like a maniac on Thanksgiving, but after that, seriously, I am re-joining the gym and going three times a week, PERIOD. No more excuses. I know I said that last year, and the year before that, but this is getting ridiculous, I really, really need to get in shape.”

December 1: “CYBER MONDAY COOKOUT!”

December 15: “Well, the Holidays are coming up, no sense getting in shape now. But I’m making that my New Year’s Resolution, and I’m putting it in a Facebook status so it’s OFFICIAL. This time, I mean it.”

[Back To Beginning. Repeat x Rest Of Life]

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