LABEL: DASANI
MAKER: The Coca-Cola Company
YEAR: 2012

REVIEW:
A delicate nose that reminds one mostly of the fragrance of a plastic bottle. Initial notes of water lead to further water notes at the end – likely a result of the label's famous reverse-osmosis filtration process. Definitely a good water for beginners, but even experts will find something here to appreciate, such as the ability of this brand to make you feel more dehydrated. This could have something to do with the trace amounts of table salt in each bottle, but I'm just guessing there. Also, the font they use for the logo is great. Actually the name sounds like it should be a font. Dasani.

LABEL: SMART WATER
MAKER: Glaceau
YEAR: 2013

REVIEW:
A venerable brand – Smart Water is the flagship label from a veteran bottler with many varietals under its umbrella. Still a classic, the watery bouquet is gentle on the nose and brings to mind water. Best if served chilled. But not too cold as then it just becomes ice and is very hard to ingest. On tasting I noticed a zesty, ripe orange-y aftertaste, but that could just be the Sesame Chicken I had eaten earlier that day. The bottle claims "electrolytes added for taste." However, I didn't note any.

LABEL: POLAND SPRINGS
MAKER: Nestle Waters
YEAR: 2008ish maybe

REVIEW:
A vintage Poland Springs is not hard to come by, but always a rare treat when you stumble across one. I uncovered this bottle while finally cleaning under the seats of my Accord. Despite the years the taste has not changed. An intriguing combination of rust, pesticides and the a few little bits of the desiccated animal corpse that was buried in the natural Maine groundwater from which Poland Springs clearly derives its famous name. It's no wonder this is still America's number one label. You may also find a particularly strong and overpowering raspberry flavor when enhanced with Dasani Raspberry Flavor Drops. I highly recommend you do that.

LABEL: FIJI WATER
MAKER: FIJI WATER
YEAR: 2013

REVIEW:
Undoubtedly the Dom Pérignon of H2O, this brand makes its case for your hard-earned cash across the board. For one, the bottle has a rectangular shape. These are people who play by their own rules. Square bottles? Who does that? They do. On tasting, one notices a very clear hydrating element and a mouth feel strong in liquid-ness ending with a mild guilt finish as you contemplate how you have better access to clean Fijian water than most people on Fiji. This water pairs extremely well with any kind of food or even on its own if you're thirsty.

LABEL: COORS LIGHT
MAKER: Coors Brewing Company
YEAR: 2012

REVIEW:
Around since 1978, Coors Light is one of the oldest brands of bottled water still on the market. It's well known but often underappreciated by connoisseurs who look down on the fact it's served in cans and is a NASCAR sponsor. You'll notice a subtle off-yellow coloring that comes from God knows where, but is nonetheless unique, as well as a bitter, acidy, piss taste that dissipates somewhat after you have four or five or six or who the hell are you, my mother? Fuck you. I recommend you drink it fast to avoid the full taste sensation. It is a good first choice for ritualistic drinking games, Mid-Western hockey matches, or because you're trying to forget her and how she crushed your soul. Incredibly, this is actually cheaper than most other brands of bottled water.



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