No shirt. Open vest. Very tiny hat. How does Aladdin pull off that look?

— Mike Trapp (@MikeWTrapp) January 17, 2013

KNOCK KNOCK who's there INTERRUPTION MARKETING Interruption marketing who BUY BUD LITE AND A CAR YOU PUSSY #Sports

— Alex Schmidt (@AlexSchmidty) January 16, 2013

I fantasize so much more about offhandedly uninviting celebrities to my dinner party.

— Tom Philip (@tommphilip) January 17, 2013

Not sure why I get excited when I beat a videogame. Really, I just ran out of game to play.

— Kevin Corrigan (@kevincorrigan) January 16, 2013

Dance like nobody's watching, but know that I am…

— Streeter Seidell (@streetseidell) January 15, 2013

Jason Schwartzman's career is incredibly impressive, even if he is the nephew of Uncle Kracker.

— Alex Watt (@AlexanderWatt) January 14, 2013

Mel Gibson is allowed to go to the Golden Globes?

— Adam Conover(@adamconover) January 14, 2013

Taken prequel: liam neesons dad pretends to take his nose (using his thumb). liam neeson murders his father, retrieves nose.

— Pube Goldberg (@AndyBridgman) January 11, 2013

Obama didn't appoint Preet Bharara to his cabinet as speculated to prevent Joe Biden from referring to him as the Indian in the cupboard.

— Wiseguy Pictures (@WiseguyPictures) January 10, 2013

Never stay at Charles Mansion.

— josh ruben (@joshruben) January 16, 2013

Pitbull is a reverse Clark Kent – when he takes his shades off he becomes 'Armando,' the bald nerd who always misses the sexy rap parties.

— Owen Parsons (@owenBparsons) January 11, 2013

Lance Armstrong is just going to confess that even he doesn't actually watch cycling.

— Jeff Rubin (@JeffRubinShow) January 16, 2013

If Pandora were a real DJ, he'd just be a deaf and blind guy seated at a computer who occasionally yells "ARE YOU STILL LISTENING?" at you.

— H. Caldwell Tanner (@caldy) January 10, 2013

Who is worse, the guy who made up a fake girlfriend with cancer, or us for trying to score Retweets off of him? The answer is him Please RT

— Dan Hopper (@DanHopp) January 16, 2013