An investigative report by Deadspin revealed that the supposedly dead girlfriend of Notre Dame star football player Manti Te'o was actually a hoax. The girlfriend, who Te'o claimed had been in a very bad car accident and then killed by leukemia, in fact never existed, and is thought be the product of a Catfish-like joke. Te'o maintains his innocence, claiming that he had been talking to her, on the phone, for a very long time. Also talking to her for a very long time? Clint Eastwood at the Republican National Convention.
The Baltimore Ravens Beat The Denver Broncos 38-35, In 2 OTs
Joe Flacco led the Ravens to a thrilling victory over Peyton Manning's Broncos. Peyton, for his part, was upbeat after the game. "I'm just glad the offseason's over and I can go back to doing what I do best," said Peyton. "Quirky commercials." He noted that his chief rival, Aaron Rodgers, would be joining him after a loss to San Francisco.
Derek Jeter Was "Cleared To Begin Baseball Activities"
The Yankees captain, who is recovering from an ankle injury, has been cleared by team doctors to begin partaking in some, but not all, baseball activities. Unfortunately for the Yankees, the only activities on the approved list so far are standing around in a field of grass, looking bored, and eating sunflower seeds.
Lance Armstrong Confessed To Doping
Cycling fan was shocked and horrified to learn that the man who beat a pack of drugged up super-athletes was, himself, a drugged-up super athlete. Among the punishments for his doping confession, Armstrong was stripped of his Olympic Bronze Medal. "They what?!" asked Armstrong incredulously. When officials told him again he cut them off, saying, "No, I heard you the first time. I'm just shocked they give out medals for third place. I had one of those?"
Tom Brady Became The Winningest Playoff Quarterback Of All Time
With a 41-28 victory over the Texans, Brady's 17th postseason win of all time, the Patriots QB passed Joe Montana to become #1 on the all-time wins list. Take solace, nation, and remember that the higher they fly, the further they fall. If we've learned anything from this week, it's that any day now we should find out that Gisele is an elaborate hoax. Brady will be devastated.
The Atlanta Falcons, After Being Up 20-0 At Halftime, Needed A Last Second Field Goal To Beat Seattle.
After giving up 21 unanswered points and falling behind 28-27 with less than a minute left, Atlanta managed to squeak out a victory over the Seahawks to advance in the playoffs. Quarterback Matt "Matty Ice" Ryan lived up to his nickname, laying the Seattle defense to waste with a cool, collected winning drive. Seattle fans spent the rest of the evening laying waste to Ryan's evil twin, Natty Ice.
The Eagles Hired Chip Kelly To Be Their New Head Coach
Kelly, the former head coach at Oregon, will bring his aggressive offense strategy to the NFL next season. I guess you could say the Eagles put all their chips on the table. They're really hoping the move will lead to a championchip. The players will probably play with a chip on their shoulders next year. Chips ahoy! Chip Chip Hooray! Chiptastic! The Chipadelphia Eagles. Chips and dip!
The NBA Announced Its All-Star Teams
The East will battle the West on Sunday, February 17th, in a game that promises to be full of flashy play, showmanship for the sake of showmanship, and very little defense. It will be barely distinguishable from other NBA games.
The Knicks Beat The Detroit Pistons In An Exhibition Game In London
The NBA held an exhibition game between the New York Knicks and the Detroit Pistons in London, where the Knicks rolled 102-87. The game was billed as an outreach effort to recruit fans outside of the continental United States, because that's a better story than admitting that everyone was scared to visit Detroit.
Play Of The Week:
Look at Kevin, people. This man is nothing short of incredible. One handed, barely caring, he chucks this ball so perfectly it just sits on the back of the rim. This shot happened at halftime of an Atlanta Hawks game, which means it was definitely the best shot of the entire night.