i cant believe beyonce lipsynched manti teos girlfreind's tour de frances

— Pube Goldberg (@AndyBridgman) January 22, 2013

Really glad no-one heard me say "let's take these guys for a spin" while picking out socks. Would have spoiled this tweet for them.

— Tom Philip (@tommphilip) January 24, 2013

In the first episode of "Catfish," Mary forgives God for pretending to be Joseph.

— Alex Watt (@AlexanderWatt) January 24, 2013

Getting into strategy videogames is my way getting older but at the same time not growing up.

— Jeff Rubin (@JeffRubinShow) January 17, 2013

"But why would a GHOST need glow in the dark paint?" I don't know, Velma, why would a Great Dane be able to talk? Expand your worldview.

— Owen Parsons (@owenBparsons) January 20, 2013

neither a follower nor a lender bee. (bees don't have money but how cute would it be if they did) – shakespeare

— Hallie Cantor (@halliecantor) January 24, 2013

A onesie with the dick and tits cut out. THAT is the most vulnerable outfit.

— josh ruben (@joshruben) January 24, 2013

I've never gone to therapy but that's only because I'm probably too stupid and ugly and boring for it to help.

— Streeter Seidell (@streetseidell) January 22, 2013

I'm gonna name my first-born son Jewish to stick it to all those kids named Christian.

— Wiseguy Pictures (@WiseguyPictures) January 16, 2013

Can't believe J.J. Abrams is going to direct the Spaceballs reboot. I don't need a "grittier" Pizza the Hutt, dude, leave my childhood alone

— Adam Conover(@adamconover) January 24, 2013

You know what, call me crazy but I think these Spotify ads for Hansel and Gretel actually IMPROVE this Miles Davis album.

— Will Stephen (@will_stephen) January 24, 2013

Can you believe The Great Train Robbery came out 110 years ago??? MAN we're so old

— Dan Hopper (@DanHopp) January 23, 2013

Whenever I feel bad about spending too much money on something, I just remind myself that the purpose of money is to exchange it for goods.

— Kevin Corrigan (@kevincorrigan) January 17, 2013

People say things like "I'm glad I didn't have Twitter in high school" as if they aren't saying stupid shit now.

— Mike Trapp (@MikeWTrapp) January 23, 2013