Flowchart: What TV Show Are You Watching?

by Hallie Cantor on January 28, 2013

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Flowchart: What TV Show Are You Watching?

By

Hallie Cantor

Start here:
Has a major character been pregnant during the show?
Yes: arrow to Are there any black people? 
No: arrow to Are there still kids on the show, though? 
No, but she thought she was: arrow to Was she happy about it?
What do you mean, “during”?: Dr. Who

Are there any black people?
Yes: arrow to Have there been zombies? 
Barely: arrow to Do the characters use cell phones? 
No. These characters are so white, they’re frightened of the Irish: Downton Abbey

Have there been zombies?
Yes: arrow to Real Zombies?
No: arrow to Roughly how often do people get shot?
Only if you count dazed employees: The Office

Real zombies?
Uh, yes, hello, only ALL THE TIME: Walking Dead
No: Community

Roughly how often do people get shot?
Never: arrow to Do the characters sing a lot?
Every so often: Boardwalk
Literally all the time: Justified

Do the characters sing a lot?
No, thank God: Parenthood
Big time: arrow to Covers or original songs?

Covers or original songs?
Originals. Horrible, horrible originals.: Smash
Covers. Horrible, horrible covers.: Glee

Do the characters use cell phones?
No: arrow to But they at least have cars, right?
Yes: arrow to Do they play sports?

But they at least have cars, right?
Yes. Cars. Cars as luxurious as the woman you can never have.: Mad Men
Who needs a car when you can ride DEAD HORSES?: Game of Thrones

Do they play sports?
Yes: Arrow to In the words of Queen, are these sports real life or are they just fantasy?
No: arrow to Is stuff haunted?

Is stuff haunted?
Yes, almost everything: American Horror Story
No, nothing: arrow to Do we know who everyone’s mother is?
Only Walt's eyes, with the absolute corruption of his innermost soul: Breaking Bad

Do we know who everyone’s mother is?
Yeah...? That’s a weird question: Modern Family
No, and frankly it started getting ridiculous four seasons ago. Come on, writers, just tell us.: How I Met Your Mother

In the words of Queen, are these sports real life or are they just fantasy?
Fantasy: The League
Real. “I play real sports, not try to be the best at exercising.”: Eastbound & Down

Was she happy about it?
So happy she lizzed her pants: 30 Rock
No: arrow to Because she's still only a girl, right?

Because she's still only a girl, right?
Yes: Arrow to A girl who's adorkable?
No: Veep

A girl who's adorkable?
Yes. Are you happy now, commercials? We’re using your dumb made-up word.: New Girl
No: Girls

Are there still kids on the show, though?
Yes: arrow to Is the show set in the Northeast? 
No: arrow to Do the characters work for some kind of government agency?

Is the show set in the Northeast?
Yes, and no one ever wears realistically warm coats!: arrow to Is there an evil queen?
No: arrow to Could diaper-changing be a legitimate plot line?

Is there an evil queen?
Yes: Once Upon A Time
No: Bob's Burgers
Only if you count an ex-wife, amirite???: Louie

Could diaper-changing be a legitimate plot line?
No: Nashville
Unfortunately, yes: arrow to Are the characters rich or poor?

Are the characters rich or poor?
Rich enough to be best friends with basically Oprah: Up All Night
Poor enough to be best friends with a roller skating homeless dude: Raising Hope

Do the characters work for some kind of government agency?
Yes: arrow to Like a government SPY agency?
No: arrow to Do the characters own apartments they definitely can't afford?

Like a government SPY agency?
No: Parks and Rec
I'm not at liberty to disclose that. Unless we’re sleeping together.: Homeland
Danger zone!: Archer

Do the characters own apartments they definitely can't afford?
WHO HAS A LOFT LIKE THAT ON A BARISTA’S SALARY?: arrow to Are there cupcakes?
Nope: arrow to Is it sketch comedy?

3 words: Are there cupcakes?
You know it: Two Broke Girls
Not unless you count James Van Der Beek: Don't Trust the B in Apartment 23
No, but that would be ah-MAH-zing: Happy Endings

Okay, so we must be talking sketch comedy.
Nailed it: arrow to Sketch comedy about hipsters?
No, we’re not, dummy: arrow to Is there weed?

Sketch comedy about hipsters?
Yes, but I liked it before it was on Netflix: Portlandia
No: Key & Peele

Huh. Uh...is there weed?
No: Oh my gosh, you must be the one person on the planet watching Grimm. It is an honor to meet you.
Yeah, they shmeoooke a berwl: Workaholics

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