Remember ladies: if he's bright scarlet, made entirely of polyester, and flutters gently in the wind, that's a red flag.

— Tom Philip (@tommphilip) January 26, 2013

Man, Hershey really phoned it in when they were naming Mr. Goodbar.

— Mike Trapp (@MikeWTrapp) January 30, 2013

I have my best and worst ideas before I go to sleep, like a goatee that cures cancer.

— Alex Watt (@AlexanderWatt) January 28, 2013

NO I WAS NOT wearing the same outfit yesterday, I just own a few similar-looking Triceratops masks.

— Dan Hopper (@DanHopp) January 28, 2013

I never got caught smoking pot in high school but that's only because I was too scared to smoke pot in high school

— Streeter Seidell (@streetseidell) January 24, 2013

Could new steroid allegations END A-Rod's career BEFORE everything else about him does?

— Alex Schmidt (@AlexSchmidty) January 29, 2013

I don't understand drinking games. You get rewarded for losing. The loser shouldn't get to drink.

— Kevin Corrigan (@kevincorrigan) January 21, 2013

Next time you get steamed at some dingus on the interstate, remember he's got a spooky cool skeleton living inside him. Pretty rad.

— Owen Parsons (@owenBparsons) January 31, 2013

Vine is great for people like me who want to make a sex tape, but have never lasted more than six-seconds in bed.

— Wiseguy Pictures (@WiseguyPictures) January 31, 2013

I feel so lucky to live in a time when getting this much cream cheese in my hair can be considered charmingly Liz lemony and not JUST gross

— Hallie Cantor (@halliecantor) January 27, 2013

My nickname is LL Cool W, which stands for "Ladies Love Cool Whip." It's my nickname because it's a true fact about ladies.

— Adam Conover(@adamconover) January 29, 2013

losin followers like crazy ever since admittin to bein the wild wild west wiki creator who didnt think to name it "wikiwikiwildwildwestwiki"

— Pube Goldberg (@AndyBridgman) January 31, 2013

Everyone, this is my friend, Anime. He's a ton of fun! Anime slowly pulls a pair of panties out of his pocket No man, come on you promised

— H. Caldwell Tanner (@caldy) January 28, 2013