Whoa, I just used an expired credit card and it worked! To break into a woman's bathroom stall door, but still!

— Amir Blumenfeld (@jakeandamir) February 7, 2013

All any of us can hope for is to try our best and not experience a catastrophic meteor strike in our lifetime.

— Kevin Corrigan (@kevincorrigan) February 5, 2013

The only running I like to do is when I fake-jog in bed to warm up the sheets during the Winter.

— H. Caldwell Tanner (@caldy) February 5, 2013

If I had a jar at my desk that I could urinate into, I'd never leave the unemployment line.

— Alex Watt (@AlexanderWatt) February 5, 2013

I feel conflicted: I love the Puppy Bowl, yet I'm troubled by the risk of cutecussions and early-onset Adorabalzheimer's.

— Adam Conover(@adamconover) February 3, 2013

"Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day" should just be re-titled "Alexander and His First Taste of Adulthood."

— Jon Wolf (@jwolftweets) February 7, 2013

if u are ever wondering what 2 put on my tombstone someday, just copy/paste my okcupid profile

— Will Stephen (@will_stephen) February 6, 2013

I know when to say when: before and after "to say".

— Tom Philip (@tommphilip) February 6, 2013

#Richard the III unearthed: proving once and for all that third IS the one with the hairy chest.

— Hesley Harps (@HesleyHarps) February 5, 2013

Gonna be hard to tell my kids that mail once came on Saturdays, what with also having to explain concepts like mail, literacy, the US govt.

— Alex Schmidt (@AlexSchmidty) February 6, 2013

Super Bowl Sunday is like Christmas to me, but also keep in mind I'm Jewish.

— Jeff Rubin (@JeffRubinShow) February 4, 2013

no one hates Chris Brown as much as my windsurfing team, The Breezies

— Pube Goldberg (@AndyBridgman) February 6, 2013

They're seriously naming this winter storm the Papajohns Dot Com Better Snowgredients App For Android Storm Experience??

— Dan Hopper (@DanHopp) February 7, 2013