Puritan Valentine's Day Cards

by Alex Z. Rogers on February 12, 2013

Submit an Article

More By Alex Z. Rogers

View Profile

Article What You're Saying with Your Valentine's Day Gift

Article TV Valentine's Day Cards

Article Rejected Valentine's Day Cards

Article 5 Valentine's Day Cards Inspired by the Jersey Shore

Article Valentine's Day Cards to Hand Out at the Bar

Article Infamous Mother's Day Cards

Puritan Valentine's Day Cards

By

Alex Rogers

PURITAN VALENTINE’S DAY CARDS
 
1.     MY LOVE FOR YOU IS AN AFFRONT TO GOD
2.     LIFE WITH YOU IS WORTH THE ETERNAL HELLFIRE AWAITING OUR WICKED SOULS
3.     THIS IMAGE OF A KITTEN WEARING A HAT IS WRONG. EVERYTHING ABOUT IT IS WRONG!
4.     WOULD YOU BEE MY NECESSARY VESSEL OF PROCREATION AND NOTHING MORE? [IMAGE OF A BEE ON THIS ONE]
5.     ROSES ARE RED, VIOLETS ARE BLUE AND THEY ARE NOT USEFUL OR NECESSARY AT ALL
6.     BEING WITH YOU FILLS ME WITH IMPURE THOUGHTS, AND I AM ASHAMED
7.     YOU ARE PLAIN [PICTURE OF A WOODWORKING PLANE] AND THAT IS BEST
8.     I NEED U – TO HELP RAISE LIVESTOCK AND CROPS OR SURELY WE WILL STARVE TO DEATH COME WINTER
9.     I THOUGHT TO WRITE YOU A LOVE POEM. FOR THAT THOUGHT I HAVE BEATEN MYSELF WITH A ROUGH BRANCH EACH NIGHT HENCE.
10.  YOU ALMOST MAKE MY HEART DANCE. AND DANCING IS FORBIDDEN.
11.  THIS CRAVEN IMAGE WILL NOT WASH AWAY THE STAIN OF ORIGINAL SIN [PUPPIES AND HEARTS OR SOMETHING]
12.  YOU’VE BEWITCHED ME. THERE IS NO OTHER EXPLANATION FOR THE GOPHERS IN MY GARDEN.
13.  HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY. LET US NEVER SPEAK OF THIS AGAIN.

Comments ()