The Ref fills you in on all the sports news you missed this week

Spring Training Starts Today! Here's What You Need To Know:

Giancarlo Stanton Got Hit In The Head. Hard.

After a turbulent offseason that saw the Marlins trade away literally all of their stars except Stanton, the team's slugger got off to a rough start in Spring Training. Prospect Jose Fernandez hit the star outfielder in the head with a 95-mph fastball during a simulated game. After being hit, Stanton reportedly stared down the young pitcher angrily, before yelling "I asked you to kill me. Please. I can't take another losing season with this team."

Roger Clemens Threw Live Batting Practice To Astros Hitters

The embattled former star pitcher visited Astros camp to throw a round of batting practice to the team. Asked why he didn't take the opportunity to give his pitchers some work, Astros manager Bo Porter replied, "Ah, I'm not worried. They'll be throwing live batting practice to hitters on other teams for the entire 2013 season."

New Names On Biogenesis List

In a storyline that will likely plague Major League Baseball for much of the spring, more players were implicated in the steroid scandal linked to south Florida's Biogenesis clinic. Notably, however, Gio Gonzalez has been removed from the conversation, despite his name appearing multiple times in clinic founder Anthony Bosch's logbook. Investigators pointed to one note in particular, a puffy heart with the words "Gio Bosch" written inside, as evidence that the only crime Gonzalez has committed is having a charming demeanor and a winning smile.

Big News In Philly: The Phillies Are Close To Bringing Federal Donuts To Citizens Bank Park

After what most deemed a slow offseason, the Phillies announced a major acquisition, revealing that Citizens Bank Park will sell Federal Donuts at games this year. General Manager Ruben Amaro promises that the donuts will be a great complement to the bagels the Phillies' aging offense will be putting up on the scoreboard all season.

Melky Cabrera Got A World Series Ring

Despite being suspended for most of the 2012 season due to steroids, Melky Cabrera was given a World Series ring and a full share of the team WS championship by the San Francisco Giants. So remember kids, cheaters never win!

In Other Sports News:

Trouble With Gen-6 NASCAR Cars In Lead Up To Daytona 500

NASCAR drivers have struggled to control the new, sixth generation model of cars in the lead up to the Daytona 500, with four major crashes in practice sessions. Officials have blamed the wrecks on features in the Gen 6 car presenting new challenges. Sure, these guys lose control of a car going 140 miles per hour and it's the car's fault, but when I do it, it's jail time. Sure.

The Chicago Blackhawks Tied An NHL Record

With a shootout victory on Tuesday night, the Blackhawks tied the NHL record of 16 consecutive games with at least a point. In hockey terms, points are awarded when a team wins, ties, or loses in overtime. In other words, pretty much all the time. This is a pointless points system.

President Obama Golfed With Tiger Woods

Tiger Woods joined President Obama for a round of golf during the POTUS's Florida golf outing. The two reportedly enjoyed the engagement, with President Obama saying, "He plays a different game than I do. He's on a different planet." He then turned to the camera, winked, and whispered, "Planet Sexmatron." In other news, NASA's funding has been increased 500% for the next four years.

University Of North Dakota Suspended Its Basketball Announcer For Saying "Choke Job"

Paul Ralston, the men's basketball announcer for the school, called North Dakota's 74-72 overtime loss to Northern Arizona a "choke job." North Dakota missed five free throws during the last four minutes of the game, letting a close game slip away. "We ask that our announcers be specific and properly describe our team's effort," said a university spokesperson. "We just wish he would have used a more appropriate term, like 'fucking choke-a-palooza' or 'embarrassing chokefest.'"

Play of the week:

16 years old and dunking! Can you believe it? Reportedly the Portland Trail Blazers are already scouting this guy, but the alleged 'elbow problems' have them spooked. Remember Greg Oden?