ME: Hey… listen, I'm really sorry I kept trying to hit on your friend last night when her boyfriend was out of the room. I was really drunk.

FRIEND: Oh, don't worry about it. That never happened!

ME: Yeah, I wish…

FRIEND: No really, it never actually happened. That got retconned.

ME: What?

FRIEND: Oh yeah, that whole thing happened in a universe that doesn't exist anymore. Retroactive continuity man. Retconning. You just got retconned.

ME: Oh great. So, that means it doesn't have to be really awkward next time I see them both.

FRIEND: What do you mean them?

ME: Her boyfriend got retconned too?

FRIEND: I mean, he exists – just in an alternate dimension of Earth called Earth A. This is Earth Prime, where he may also exist but isn't in a relationship with anyone we know.

ME: Cool.

FRIEND: Actually I think that dimension exploded.

ME: Still fine. So, just curious, in Earth Prime those six years watching "LOST"…

FRIEND: Still happened. But the original season 3, 5 and end of season 6 were destroyed by a dimension-annihilating bomb tuned specifically only to the frequencies of those seasons. Luckily they were replaced by a single 2-hour TV special that explained everything.

ME: But season 3 seemed so real. So terribly real.

FRIEND: That was just a false memory of something that never happened planted into your brain. The reality was totally different. It may be true in another dimension, but after the dimension war any dimension where that happened got punched out of existence, so it never actually happened. Even the false memory never happened. That also got punched out of existence just now.

ME: Of course! Also, I just noticed all my shirts are different.

FRIEND: Yeah, you've been completely redesigned to appeal to modern sensibilities. Better shirts, plaid is very in right now. Your special abilities now include opening pickle jars on the first try and the power to make staring at attractive strangers on the train seem charming and not at all creepy. Also, your job now offers health benefits.

ME: Yeah, pretty great – I forgot to ask before. Why are you a robot now?

FRIEND: I've always been a robot. [click, whirr]

ME: …

FRIEND: You see, the version of me that wasn't a robot was actually another person who was a clone who died and when the fabric of space time was re-coded-

ME: You can't just change your background story like that! It completely ignores everything that's happened up to this point!

ROBO-FRIEND: [click, whirr]

ME: Never mind! I don't care. Uh, how's the economy on Earth Prime?

FRIEND: Pretty shitty.

ME: Well, that sucks. See ya later!

THEN I FLY AWAY.