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Scrollin' Adventure!
By
Caldwell Tanner
SCROLLIN’ ADVENTURE General note: Overall this should mimic the feel of an NES style-style videogame. Image - A nineties-style illustration of a kid using a mouse on a computer ( reference point ) . The mouse is in the foreground, while the kid is being blown back by the intensity of the game. His face is lit up by the monitor glow. Title: Douglas Engelbert’s SCROLLIN’ ADVENTURE! Tag: A rock n’ scroll world-wide-webscapade! A blinking title card reads: Start Scrolling to Begin! 3 2 1 LET’S SCROLL! LEVEL 1 - EASY GREENS Image: A simple, straight, 8 bit garden path appears. You scroll on it for just long enough to start feeling bored, when... LEVEL 1 COMPLETE! CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE EARNED THE RANK: SCROLL SCRUB Image: A screen featuring completely made-up stats appears STATS BOOSTED: SCROLLITUDE - - - - 2 SCRAGILITY - - - - 4 SCRAMBLED - - - - EGGS SCROLLS DISCOVERED: 0 Title card in flashing text: SCROLL DOWN TO TO CONTINUE: LEVEL 2 - LESS-EASY GREENS The path is just a different shade of green. You scroll for a bit, then approach a split in the road. WARNING: APPROACHING DIVERGING PATH. CHOOSE WISELY (SCROLL TO CHOOSE) You continue to scroll, the path diverges, it doesn’t matter which path you take because you can’t actually decide that. You continue scrolling. It is revealed that the left path leads to a pit filled with spikes and bones. You keep scrolling. THAT WAS CLOSE! GREAT CHOOSING. You scroll for a bit more, the path winds left and right. As the road winds, alerts appear along it. The road gets thinner and thinner. NICE SCROLLIN! GREAT WORK! COOL! NEEDLETHREADER BONUS +10 YOUR DAD JUST CALLED ME AND SAID HE’S SUPER PROUD OF YOU. LEVEL 2 COMPLETE! BOY HOWDY! YOU HAVE EARNED THE RANK: SCROLL SCOUT STATS BOOSTED: SCROLLITUDE - - - - 6 SCROLLMANSHIP - - - - 12 SCROLLIPSIS - - - - …. SCROLLS DISCOVERED: STILL ZERO Title card in flashing text: SCROLL DOWN TO TO CONTINUE: LEVEL 3 - WINTERMEDIARY you scroll for a bit on a icy blue path, then suddenly, a hideous 8-bit troll appears. WARNING: SCROLL TROLL APPROACHING PREPARE YOURSELF FOR BATTLE MODE CONTINUE PREPARING PREPARATIONS COMPLETE, BATTLE MODE ACTIVATED OH NO A BLIZZARD The screen all of a sudden becomes white. You scroll in utter whiteness for a moment. SCROLL TROLL IMMINENT The blizzard ceases, the troll, an 8-bit monster that casually waves his arms, approaches. TROLL ENGAGED, CONTINUE SCROLLING TO CULL SCROLL TROLL. You just keep scrolling, like you do. THE SCROLL TROLL IS DEFEATED! SCRELL YEAH! YOU HAVE EARNED THE RANK: SCROLLIZARD STATS BOOSTED: ALL OF THEM SCROLLS DISCOVERED: NOT EVEN ONE Title card in flashing text: SCROLL DOWN TO TO CONTINUE: You scroll down a long path of blue YOU’RE ALMOST THERE DON’T GIVE UP ALL RIGHT ALREADY WE’LL ALL SCROLL ON. - MODEST MOUSE GETTING CLOSER KEEP SCROLLIN’ SCROLLIN’ SCROLLIN’ SCROLLIN’ - SCRIMP BISCUIT CONGRATULATIONS! YOU ARE HALFWAY DONE. NOW IT IS TIME FOR A JAM BREAK An audio player featuring a freestyle Scrollin’ Adventure rap plays. LEVEL 4 - SNOWY SCROLL KNOLL A pathway covered in 8-bit magma and fire that doesn’t look threatening at all. WATCH OUT, SCROLL SCOUT. THIS PLACE IS LOUSY WITH HTML LYNX. As you continue scrolling, clipart lynxes holding flashing CLICK ME signs appear. If you click the link it will simply take you back to the top of the page. (is this too cruel? As an alt. it could take you to a random youtube page or something silly like that) KEEP YOUR PANTS ON, DILDUS, A CLICKSTER TRICKSTER IS APPROACHING! As you continue scrolling, a Chester the Jester-type figure appears. He is gesturing to two scrolls below him. Clickster Trickster: One of these scrolls contains the SECRET NECESSARY to completing your most radical adventure, but the other one is cursed and contains DANGEROUS TRUTHS that could erode your very being. Choose wisely! Each scroll takes you to a separate webpage (uploaded via CDN) where the scroll is unfurled. LEFT SCROLL - HEY. HEY GUESS WHAT. YOU’RE A BIG DUMB PILE OF SLOPPY HANDJOBS AND YOU CHOSE THE WRONG SCROLL. GO BACK AND CHOOSE THE OTHER ONE. YOU CAN DO THAT. I DON’T CARE NO ONE CARES. THIS IS STUPID. YOU’RE STUPID. RIGHT SCROLL CONGRATULATIONS, YOU HAVE BESTED THE CLICKSTER TRICKSTER. COOL. THE ANSWER TO THE SCROLLMASTER’S RIDDLE IS: TIME NOW, SUMMON ALL YOUR SCROLLING STRENGTH AND PROCEED TO THE FINAL LEVEL. You return to the main page and scroll down. SCROLLY FUCK, YOU MADE IT TO THE FINAL LEVEL! YOU HAVE EARNED THE RANK: NICK SKROLL STATS: MAXED SCROLLS: YUP PATIENCE: DECREASING Title card in flashing text: SCROLL DOWN TO TO CONTINUE: You scroll a bit, you’re pretty use to scrolling at this point. You come up on a web banner. This Level brought to you by Jynx Body Yogurt™ - Edible Body Sauce for the Bro on the Go Image: A photoshopped product that looks like a cross between Gogurt and Axe Body Gel. LEVEL 5 - JYNX BODY YOGURT presents EXOTIC PRO MASTER DUNGEON a 4D JYNXPERIENCE The road here is black and grey like an old bowser dungeon. Pixel skulls line the path. TIME TO PUT YOUR MOUSE TO THE METAL. AUTOBOTS SCROLL OUT. You continue to scroll, the path shifts to black. Suddenly huge text appears: DROP THAT CURSOR, HUMAN. you scroll a bit more, then the FINAL BOSS appears. FINAL BOSS: SCROLLEX Scrollex, a skull with a Skrillex haircut blocks the path. Scrollex: FOOLISH MORTAL, I WILL DROP YOU NOT UNLIKE I WOULD DROP A DANK BASS GROOVE. UNLESS OF COURSE YOU KNOW THE SECRET PASSWORD. IF YOU DO, I AM HONOR BOUND TO LET YOU PASS. SELECT PASSWORD A long list of HTML Links appears below, all but one link to a GAME OVER type page. I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU WASTED SO MUCH OF YOUR TIME SCROLLING THROUGH THIS ARTICLE WRONG PASSWORD - Opens into a separate page so you don’t have to start over Giant pixel skull floats in center of page. YOU HAVE GOOFED To Un-Goof, return to previous page. CORRECT PASSWORD - Opens a page with a floating trophy shaped like a mouse. SCRONGATULATIONS! YOU HAVE EARNED THE RANK: MOUSE MASTER HERE’S A LIST OF BETTER THINGS YOU COULD HAVE DONE WITH YOUR TIME - RUN A MILE - CALL YOUR GRANDPARENTS - START A BOOK CLUB - LEARN A NEW LANGUAGE - EAT A SANDWICH - READ ALL OF BUZZFEED - GET A FULL-NIGHT’S SLEEP - IMPACT SOCIETY IN A MEANINGFUL WAY THANK YOU FOR NOT DOING ANY OF THOSE THINGS THE END
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