8 St Patrick's Day Fun Facts
If Real Life Were Like Comic Books
Warren G. Harding, The Movie
The Story of Life as Told through App Updates
By
Alex Rogers
THE STORY OF LIFE AS A SERIES OF APP UPDATES SCREEN 1: [APP DOWNLOAD SCREEN] [Image of Baby or Ultrasound Image on top left] Human Being Version 1.0.0 Stork International Two-and-a-half star rating (out of 6 billion reviews) [FREE button on right] [One or two Baby images below just as in download screen] Description Fun to play with. Easy to store. Can be customized with any number of styles or fashions for your own unique CHILD™. Can learn to speak as many languages as you do. Experience what everyone is bugging you about. Fun for the whole family that you now have… MORE SCREEN 2: [APP DOWNLOAD SCREEN] [Image and top screen info are same as previous image but now Reviews is clicked] 1. SO CUTE! 5 stars by ChocoTacoholic Just adorable. And you can post pictures of yours like everywhere all the time and people love that! 2. KIND OF ANNOYING 3 stars by SleevelessinSeattle Won’t stop screaming. Mostly just sits around all day. Really expected more out of this but the wife seems to love it. Be careful what you feed it, how you hold it, etc. 3. NOT ACTUALLY FREE!!! 1 star by EatPrayEatMore Don’t get this if you aren’t prepared to pay out the wazoo for the whole exp. They say “free” but all those micropayments for all the features really start to add up. Just getting the special bed it needs to sleep is like a couple hundred $$$. And all those optional extras like clothing and food not actually optio… MORE 4. DOG APP WAS EASIER [Last one just has headline and is cut off] SCREEN 3: [iPhone App Update Screen w/ Update button] [Image of toddler on left] Human Being Version 3.0 -Fixed constant vomiting issue -Resolved lack of basic self-awareness issue -Fixed articulation error. Screaming now includes actual articulated words. -New Character Skin: Suspender Pants, Sailor Suits, Teeny-Tiny Tuxedo -Added Mini-Game: “Why?” Covers infinite subjects. Never ends. -Bigger poops in bigger pants -Now semi-mobile! SCREEN 4: [App Update screen w/ middle-school-age-ish kid image] Human Being Version 9.0 -Growth spurt enabled -Corrected “idolizes you” error -New feature: Personal Opinions -Food options now restricted to pizza, fruit roll-ups -Transformation feature added: Can become Ninja Turtle, Batman, or robot from that robot show at will -Release of long-awaited “Sex Talk” option. If too awkward, can be skipped by tapping screen or just avoiding subject entirely. SCREEN 5: [App Update screen w/ teenager image] Human Being Version 16.1 -Updated character skins include new hair. New hair everywhere. -Communication options streamlined. Simplified responses include “yeah”, “Whatever”, running into room and blasting that scary music at highest volume, and apathetic shrug. -Attempted bug fix misuse of the word “ironic” as description for things Human Being V 16 is wearing, saying or doing. Was unsuccessful but user is welcome to try. -Raised max sense of entitlement level -Fixed daily fluctuating opinions Bug. Now hates everything. Just everything. -Added Friend Character - GARY. Gary unlocks “fake ID” and “Snake Tattoo”. You will love to hate Gary! SCREEN 6: [APP Update screen w/ college student image] Human Being Version 19.5 -Information Database Expanded: 19th-century Russian Philosophy, the Spanish Civil War, Japanese Horror Cinema in the ‘90s. -Includes popular aural mod: Now smells like pot sometimes -Adjusted difficulty of romance quests with special item introduction: Light Beer -Return of Pizza-Only Diet Feature from Ver 9.0 -Expanded Character Class Options: Bartender, Hurricane Relief Specialist, or Professional Juggler. The only limit is your imagination! -New Transportation Mode: Bicycle, Moped, Granddad’s ‘94 Buick LeSabre, Unicycle -Invincibility mode enabled. Will now live forever. -New mini-game “Ultimate Frisbee” introduced. (Mini-game may develop into main game, or only game, or total time suck.) -Character Skin Item “Pajama Bottoms” no longer restricted to sleep mode. Sleep mode also no longer required. SCREEN 7: [APP Update Screen w/ 20-something office worker image] Human Being Version 24.0 -Information Database Condensed: 19th-century Russian Philosophy, the Spanish Civil War, Anthropology 101, et al permanently deleted -Fixed “feel invincible” cheat from V 19.5. Now aware of own limits, mortality -Character Class Options Simplified: Consultant, Grad Student, Something in marketing maybe -New Class Skills Unlocked: Cooking, Setting up Direct Deposit, Buying Pants -Lower energy level cap. Can be adjusted with Quick Nap from menu screen. -Can now take romantic relationships to next level, just not ready to yet SCREEN 8: [APP Update Screen w/ late 30s, early 40s adult image] Human Being Version 38.6 -Fixed save bug. Now saves frequently. Regrets not saving earlier -New environment: Shaded Bridge Suburban Community. Includes above-ground pool! -New Quest Adversaries Introduced: 20-Year Mortgage, chronic back pain, the Stevenson’s dog, the Stevensons -Increased mid-section can now hold more fat -Can now evolve from Senior Associate Manager to “Partner” or “Unemployed” -Expanded Guild Options: Marriot Signature Reward Member, Delta Sky Club, Toyota Avalon Owners SCREEN 9: [APP Update Screen w/ elderly person image] Human Being Version 78.0 -Learn new abilities feature disabled -Shifted politics to the right -Can now store an unlimited number of firearms -Expanded recall power. Can now summon memories of previous update versions wistfully -New All-Consuming Side-Quest: “Protect the Lawn”achievement unlocked -Special senior discount options enabled -New Quest Adversaries Introduced: Confusing Medicare System, Own Body, Impending Mortality -Bigger poops in bigger pants
Comments (
7 Technology-Friendly Sex Positions
Choosing the Right Pair of Sunglasses for Your Level of Cool
The Loser's Guide to Looking Like You're Having Fun at Concerts
Next Week on Mad Men...
Almost Reading
The Troll
Humor Us
TLDNR
Regret Everything
The Graphic Truth
CollegeHumor Interview
Twidiots
