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The Longer St. Patrick's Day Goes On
By
Hallie Cantor
Alcohol in your bloodstream: steadily increases Money in your wallet: steadily decreases Potatoes in your stomach: increases, then suddenly decreases into pool of vomit How proud the real St. Patrick would be of you: goes up, then eventually down (bell curve) Snakes banished: steady at 0, looks like a snake on the ground Little people mistaken for leprechauns: goes up to one midway through the night Times you use “im irish” as an excuse: increases one by one until it turns into a shamrock at the top Accuracy of Irish accent: starts kind of low and gets negative
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