Ah, College

"It's not glandular. I'm getting fat."



Colleges try all the time to give you free stuff and activities that will make you like them. It's nice they're trying to connect with the youth, but a college can never be your friend. Why is this, you ask? Think of your best friend. Now think of how good friends you'd be after having to pay them ten thousand dollars a semester or else they'd send you home.



-One thing your college will do from time to time to show how "with it" they are is by giving out condoms. But if they really understood college students, they'd know there's more to us than just sex. Much more. Like…um…fine. Just give me the damn condoms, okay?



-Once, they set up a table that only gave out condoms to couples planning to have sex. It didn't go well. It wasn't because people were embarrassed to go up to the table. It's because in college, you sometimes don't know who you'll be sleeping with until about five minutes before. And in most cases, not until several hours after.



-Our dining halls had a lame 80's cartoon theme the other night. All the food was named for cartoon characters, but I didn't see the connections. Beetlejuice Punch? Shaggy Double Burger? Oh, and by the way, I had the Scooby Snacks. They weren't what you think.



-Most annoying was the cartoon theme music playing over the speakers my entire meal. I don't know how I ever managed to eat food before I could do it while listening to the Fraggle Rock theme.



-The worst part about old cartoon themes is that they date how old you really are by which ones you know. I like to think of myself as a newer, hipper kind of guy, because I didn't recognize any of the songs. And for the last time, I wasn't mouthing the words to the Captain Planet song – I was praying!



-Since this semester's beginning, I've developed a little gut. My friends say I should just call the extra weight my abs. I don't do that kind of crap. Saying my gut is my abs isn't going to change the fat into muscle. You can call a grenade a puppy if you want. That doesn't mean it'll lick your face.



-This isn't just my problem, either. It's America's. You know why I think we're so fat? Refrigerators. They're so inviting and homey. They even have magnets and pictures on them. We'll never get thin at this rate. From now on, when you get an A on a test, tell your mom to hang it on the treadmill.



-Apparently, there's an easy way to lose a couple pounds in college. All you have to do is walk to class instead of riding the bus. That sucks. The walking doesn't bother me. Neither does the destination of the walk. I just assume once I was there, I'd be obligated to sit through the whole thing, though, right?



-It's great when people hide weight problems behind cute terms, like "baby fat". How come some people seem to have baby fat their whole lives? Also, does adding a cute word in front of something always make it better? "It's not as bad as you think. It's actually kitten leprosy."



-The absolute funniest excuse is when someone says they just have big bones. So you're not overweight? You just have freakish monster bones? My mistake. That's actually pretty sexy.