- Why does everyone laugh at every little thing potheads do? Some people have the idea that every little thing some pothead kid does is the funniest thing in the world. This is a conversation that might go on at school when people are making fun of the pothead:



CLASSMATE: Oh, yo, check out A.J.! He has no idea where he is!

ME: He's sitting there doing homework. He probably thinks he's in school.

CLASSMATE (ignoring me): Oh, man, he must be so blazed right now. Look man, he's totally bugging out! He's having a panic attack, yo!

ME: Uh" looks to me like he's doing calligraphy now. Can you let go of my sleeve, man?

CLASSMATE: This is the funniest thing I've ever seen!

ME: Dude, wait a second, that's not even A.J" . you're A.J.

CLASSMATE: I'm so high, man.


– I have a lot of respect for that helpful guy who always helps the band out at shows when something goes wrong. He's like a little volunteer roadie. You know who I'm talking about; he's the kid who always picks up the guitar player's pick when he drops it and hands it back to him, always repositions the bass drum when the drummer kicks it out of the way, and is always rewarded by being allowed to scream the chorus or do a stage dive. Everyone makes fun of that poor kid, calling him a groupie or a hanger-on, but I really admire him. I get very distraught when I'm up on stage and my bass strap detaches from my bass and I have to kneel down and play the rest of the song with the bass rested on my thigh like a moron. I wish I had my own random helpful crowd person. Then again, I also wish I had a crowd in the first place so I can't ask for much, now can I?


– Ever stop dead in the middle of a sentence when you read a w3rd that you

never realized was spelled the same as another word, like "polish" and "Polish,"

and confuse the two? That's just weird.


– Quit Update: I'm now at the "It doesn't count" phase of quitting smoking. I have, in theory, quit smoking completely, but it was perfectly alright for me to borrow one from my friend Jon after school today. and yesterday. And the day before that. And tomorrow. Wait a second, there's a pack of Par'lights in my pocket. And another. And another. What the hell??


– I want to write an Italian to English language dictionary with the words for

"gay" and "Italian" switched so that when Italians learn English and come

here they will be like "I'm gay" and I'll be like "I know."


– I've come to the conclusion that the reason why Al-Qaeda is bent on destroying the American civilization is because American teenagers refer to dollar bills as "beans."


– People who have "friends with benefits" know exactly what's going on:

1. They are confident enough to say they are best friends, yet aren't restricted by the label of "boyfriend" or "girlfriend".

2. They obviously have great sex.

3. Nothing will make them nervous around each other, again for lack of restriction.

4. They can go out with friends to the same place and not realize that they're actually on a date; This to the point at which they're actually having fun with each other, a practice long since abolished since the outlaw of polygamy.

5. Suggesting a real relationship is as good as breaking up.


– Ever seen "Field of Dreams?" Ever wonder if you could walk into that cornfield and just find all the baseball players sitting in a clearing with a barbeque going and a cooler full of beers? Wouldn't that be disappointing? And would you be pissed off if you were Kevin Costner and Ray Liotta didn't invite you to his ghost baseball barbeque? I would.


– I haven't seen it, but from reading the plot synopsis I've surmised that Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen's new movie apparently rips off the plot of "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" completely. And that's all I have to say about that.


– Speaking of the twins, I just have to share a great joke that my good friend Joe DeStefano made about them; he was talking to a girl in my Creative Writing class, who adores them, about some party they were at, and he said, "I hear Mary Kate was throwing up."

"Why? Was she drinking?"

"No; she'd just finished eating."

Joe Destefano, everybody.


– For now that's all I have to say about anything. Whoever invented these hyphen-columns is a genius.