Much of the news media has touted the fact that America, statistically, has the highest saturated fat intake of any nation in the world. When I got word of this, I immediately began welding spikes onto the side panels of the family vehicle and fastening high-powered fans to the rear. Then I looked up what saturated fat was and realized that a weight endemic in no way called for a battle-readied Honda Odyssey. However, I decided not to remove these accoutrements, just in case Bush gets reelected.

In all seriousness, it amazes me that we rank among the fattest nations in the world because our country is home to some of the worst fast-food ad campaigns I've ever seen. For instance, McDonald's tries to lure us in with its "12 million burgers sold" slogan. Apparently they've decided that the most successful sales technique is large-scale peer pressure. They should just change the slogan to "McDonald's¬¬""Com'on man, everybody's doin' it. You're such a square. You'll never get a girlfriend. Where'd you get those shorts, K-Mart?" Well for your information McDonald's, yes, I did get these shorts at K-Mart""and that's the same place I intend to get my girlfriend. So, if you'll excuse me, I believe a cool but sassy "thank you very much" is in order, thank you very much!

These people are never happy to give you condiments either. I've never quite figured out what in their lives has caused them to so passionately resent the sale of condiments. Perhaps their father was financially ruined by an evil condiments tycoon. Maybe their childhood dachshund was killed in a freak relish accident(dachshunds are those weenie dog dogs, if that aids the visual image at all). Or perhaps they were once romantically involved with a Mr. Dijon but it ended on bitter terms""I don't know the motivation. However, I have seen the speed at which these people can hurl a packet of ketchup into a paper bag and I'm confident that if they would just control their disdain long enough to concentrate on a career in pitching, they'd be taking home a Golden Glove and ditching the Golden Arches in no time. But no""because these people are too self-righteous to forgive Mr. Dijon and too childish to let go of the memory of little "Scamper" lying limp in a puddle of relish, they're stuck cleaning a graffiti phallus off of cardboard Hamburgalar's cheek.

The sign at the Wendy's drive-thru advertises "eat great, even late." This isn't a very good slogan either because, as I think we all know, it's really just one big corporate euphemism. That sign would serve just as well if it read, "To our dearest potheads, binge drinkers and dope fiends to whom we are forever indebted: your THC and dopamine-induced cravings for our greasy victuals even at hours wholly unsuited for dining is thoroughly appreciated and always welcome, even late. -Signed, your munchi-supplier and future employer, Wendy's."

On the other hand, Burger King has stuck with "Your way, right away, at Burger King, now." Clearly Burger King created this slogan because it places the focus on the consumer's needs and because the hardware store had a 2-for-1 discount on commas. However, neither aspect of this slogan is accurate. Au contraire, it has never been "my way." I once asked for an Egg and Cheese Biscuit, but instead received an eight year-old Korean boy. It was funny because we didn't notice until we were halfway home, which was alright, but then we realized they didn't give us any napkins either, so we had to turn around. On another occasion, I asked for a plain cheeseburger, a strawberry milkshake and all of the money in their register, but instead received a ride to the station and a court-appointed attorney.

Furthermore, the food isn't really "right away" either""at least not in the sense that it's fresh. That's because in order for Burger King to get me my cheeseburger "my way, right away", they had to make it "Tuesday, of last May." Astonishingly, this doesn't seem to have deterred business in the least. Apparently Americans are okay with their food being soggy, stale and aged several decades, just so long as they don't have to wait longer than 20 seconds for it. As a nation, I think we'd be fine with the register guy keeping all the food in his pants as long as it meant he could get us our burger faster.

On a side note, I don't think one single person has ever joined that Burger King Kid's Club. If you want proof, look at that pamphlet""it's still the same three kids it was ten years ago. It's just the black kid in the wheelchair, the blonde guy with that futuristic eye visor, and the Asian girl with the bowl cut. In my mind, this prompts the question: Aren't they getting a bit too old? A decade ago they were twelve, yet they're still drinking out of twisty straws and spelling "KidS" with a backwards "'S'. At some point, that's got to be considered illegal: When a guy is 28, trying to persuade children to come back to his tree fort and join his "Kid's Club", I feel the law needs to intervene. And it can only get worse. If Burger King keeps it up much longer, the Kid's Club will have a whole new cast of characters: It'll be Robert, the overweight 30 year-old virgin, Jim Bean, and a hooker named Reno.

Well I should go, this Korean kid keeps yelling something about an embassy and I'm beginning to get hungry just talking about dachshunds. Sorry to cut this short but here at my column, it's not "your way, right away." Instead, it's more like "my way, eventually, on the days that I decide to get out of bed."


If you've got questions, responses, or you'd like to comment on my driving, please feel free to email me at comeydean@yahoo.com