Ten Signs You're An American Asshole For many years I have been carefully studying a species known as the American Asshole. He can live in all manner of climate and environment, but his ancestral homeland is in New York. It was in New York where he first adopted the highly developed phrases and mannerism that put him in the human sub-classification known popularly as Asshole. 10. You spend more time getting ready than a girl: The asshole has a highly developed sense of vanity. He often spends upwards of one hour primping, gelling and admiring himself in the bathroom mirror before a night out. Common bathroom activities of the American Asshole include eyebrow plucking, chest waxing, flexing, pubic hair grooming, body spray application, teeth whitening, practicing pick-up lines and complimenting his own reflection ("oh yeah, you look good). 9. You quote Maxim or FHM as if it were literature: The American Asshole is a highly intelligent specie able to commit long passages of text to memory. He also has the ability to recall exact lines from memory at later dates. In fact, the American Asshole is thought to have the largest mental catalogue of information on new speakers, hot cars, face wash, hometown hotties, sultry cinematic sex and how to tell if she's a slut from the way she writes her name. 8. You call people "'nerd' as a serious insult after the age of twenty-two: The American Asshole has at his command a literal dictionary full of insults for men he feels are less than he. "'Nerd,' meaning a man who is physically weak but mentally strong, is one of his favorites. Some have proposed that his hatred of "'nerds' is due to his undying devotion to physical perfection, not mental achievement. Other insults commonly used by the American Asshole include douchebag, faggot, loser, dork, pussy, queer and did we say faggot? 7. You"'ve gone to a club and done the "Fist Pump" in all seriousness: The most common dance used by the American Asshole to attract the opposite sex is known as the "'Fist Pump." This dance is performed by making two fists and alternately upper-cutting them towards your face. However, one must take special care to keep your elbows close to your body and your head facing the ground. Other dances in the American Asshole's repertoire include the "'wave your gin and tonic over the crowd,' the "'leaning leg hump' and the "'silent rap-along.' 6. Your fantasy girl wears a necklace with her name written in it: The female counterpart to the American Asshole, the Migrating Jersey-Slut, is an extremely seductive specie. She is often seen wearing matching sweat suits with suggestive phrases embroidered across the buttocks. The American Asshole cannot resist her undeniable charm and syphilis. That being so, on nights when the Jersey-Slut does not venture out, the Asshole is left to dream about her. Some other features the American Asshole is attracted to: curly hairspray-hardened locks, Tiffany necklaces, thongs that rise above the waist line, light pink and powder blue, outlined lipstick and loose morals. 5. You consider Applebees to be fine dining: When the American Asshole is hungry, he is drawn to feeding establishments with a healthy "'Apple-tizer' section to its menu. The general ambiance of places like this suits the asshole well: harsh, abrasive, loud and generally annoying. Also, as more than one Asshole has noted, Applebees is "a great place to meet chicks." The validity of that statement has not been explored fully so take it with a grain of protein supplement. A sampling of the American Asshole's standard evening meal: Rum and Diet Coke, jalapeño poppers, 12 oz. T-Bone (with AppleFries and Loaded Potato Skins). 4. You talk about your gym routine more than twice a day: As I stated earlier, the American Asshole is an extremely physically fit creature. He will spend many hours in the gym toning, building and hydroxy-cutting his muscles till they are perfect. Because this activity takes up a sizable portion of his time, the American Asshole truly loves discussing his gym routine with anyone who will actually, or pretend to, listen. Common opening lines of the American Asshole's gym stories include, "So, I just finished benching 340 when I say, "'hey, why not go for 350,'" "'There was so much ass at the gym today I could barely concentrate on toning my sizable calves," and "So I tell the guy, I don't need a spot faggot." 3. You view Nick Lachay not as a joke, but as a role model: In many ways singer/celebonality Nick Lachay is the perfect model of the American Asshole. He is physically fit, he eats a high protein diet, he is married to an attractive woman, he wears sleeveless Tees and he is rich. Of course, not all Assholes will achieve the same level of perfection that Nick Lachay has, but they are not aware of this fact. Other personalities admired by the American Asshole include any white male that has been on The Real World in the last four seasons, most notable Landon from RW Philadelphia, Brad from RW San Diego and The Miz from RW Back to New York. 2. Your favorite movie is Scarface: While considered by Hollywood to be an entertaining, if slightly corny, film about the perils of dealing illegal drugs, the American Asshole views Scarface as a how-to guide to life. The metaphor of course being that one should grab everything they can as quick as they can and crush anyone in your way. However, the American Asshole consistently fails to see that this sort of life philosophy will inevitably lead to getting shot four-thousand times and having your sister expose herself to you. Other movies enjoyed by the American Asshole include Boiler Room, Blow, The Real Cancun and Garden State (for the ladies). 1. You proudly display your armband tattoo: Whether it's barbed wire, a tribal or some sort of Celtic knot, the armband tattoo is the true mark of an American Asshole. Probably inked sometime shortly after high school this tattoo sums up the Asshole's entire life philosophy, which is, "I'm stronger than you." Of course, since the Asshole rarely enjoys sleeves on his shirts, his tattoo is inevitably faded. However, he will be quick to point out that he plans on getting it "touched up" sometime in the near future. American Assholes also enjoy Japanese/Chinese symbol tattoos, ethnic flag (Italian, Irish) tattoos and supposed "tribal" designs like Aztec suns and the like. So there you have it, my studies on the fascinating creature known as the American Asshole. Look for him wherever tuna is sold, a gym opens its doors or a Nelly concert.
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