So You're Going To Die A Slut

Oh baby. This isn’t going to be easy. I have something very important to tell you. You may want to sit down. No, it’s not cancer. Or heart disease. You’ve been cheating on me for quite some time now. So I’ll just say it: You have fifty tyears to live. And then, you’re going to die a slut.



You will go through five stages. The first stage is denial. You’ll say, “This isn’t happening to me.” You may remember that phrase from the day I said it, when you got pregnant for the third time. What was his name again? Oh that’s right, Jake something. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” you said, “I’m just getting fat.” And this is where we begin: the first stage. Denial.



Denial is also known as the “I’m just experimenting” stage. After all, you’re not cheating. You’re a pioneer in co-ed wresting. You’re an STD enthusiast. You’re just someone who enjoys meeting men behind the 7-Eleven and counting their testicles. Oh, don’t get mad. That’s the second stage.



Anger. “Don’t call me a whore! That makes me angry!” I’d call you a prostitute, but that sounds like you have a job. You’re more like the unpaid intern of a prostitue. Stop crying. Of course you’re upset, you’re going to die a slut. You’ve always known this, but now I’m stating it as a fact. You’re losing control. You can feel the inevitable. My life is a highway, and you’re the car crash on the side of the road. And do you know why everyone’s staring at you? Because you’re pretty? No. It’s because you’re burning in a gasoline fire. That’s why we need to break up.



We call this third stage the bargaining stage. “No, don’t break up with me. I’ll do anything!” Anything? “Anything.” Men, this is the stage when you should exploit your slut’s terminal illness. Make her do things you’d always wished she would do. Like learn to read. Or have abortions. Oh baby, don’t get depressed! That’s the fourth stage.



Depression. This is a normal part of the process of preparing to die a slut. It’s also your monogamy stage. Too depressed to take off your clothes and sleep with the first person who buys you a Cosmo, your emotions crash, guilt weighs heavy, and you start to write your last will and testament. You want to make sure that everyone gets a little piece of you when you go. Luckily, they already have. And finally, you reach”



Acceptance. Our relationship is behind you. You’re OK being a slut. You’ve accepted it. You lived your life in the name of free love. Now you realize that love isn’t free; it’s the price you pay for being a dirty, dirty tramp. Good. I’m glad we had this talk.



See you next week behind the 7-Eleven.



Dave Holstein is the sixth stage. To say hi or to sign up for his newsletter, email him. And if you live in Los Angeles, go see the play BIG LOVE April 20-29.