A summit of mock world leaders assembled at West Chesterston University over the weekend to debate a number of simulated world issues. After about 4 hours of skillful negotiating and heated debate, the summit ended when Stan Winkowski, representing Finland, declared: “Everything is totally cool.”
The long and rocky road to global unity began with a discussion between the US and Iran about nuclear energy policy. Debate came to a head when the Iranian representative called the US ambassador a “total cock-goblin” causing the assembly to erupt in furious laughter. The United States then imposed sanctions on everyone for “being total douches.”
Meanwhile, tensions continued to mount elsewhere as a discussion about conservation of whale species led to a comment about the Japanese ambassador’s mother.
The stage was set for global conflict when an unlikely hero rose to the occasion, bringing all of the nations present together, unified possibly for the first time in history. Alan Fordberg, representing Cuba, shouted above the din, “Can we just cool it for, like, one second and get a pizza, or something?”
For a moment, the air in the room was silent before a few intermittent claps crescendoed into raucous applause for Alan “The Peacemaker” Fordberg. Old hatred was forgotten in this new era of extending an offer of pizza to one’s foes. New alliances were forged based on the common humanity that exists among all peoples, and all feasted merrily upon the bounty of Antonio’s Pizzeria.
“This is a great day for pretend world politics,” remarked model UN proctor Kathy Hollingstonworth.
A transcript of the day’s proceedings was sent to UN headquarters for consideration in upcoming sessions.
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