How To Write The Best Paper Ever

College rules, but the thing about college that’s worse than hemmoroids is having to write papers. No sweat, this will help you turn out something that could maybe pass for a decent paper if the teacher suddenly started taking LSD.

If you have one handy, you can even print your paper on an 8.5 × 11 LSD blotter. Really, if you can pull that off, that’s the only step you need to take. If all your 8.5 × 11 LSD blotters are already spoken for, read on:

1. Wait until 3 hours before your paper is due. Everybody knows, this is when you get your best paper mojo going. But, you’re saying, most papers are due sometime in the morning. Three hours before that is like 6 a.m.! Exactly. That gives you all night to basically get shitfaced, take shrooms and go to Taco Bell. The only other requirement is that you drink six Red Bulls before you start your paper. And no Sugar Free Red Bull, you pussy!

2. Start your paper right. Say your paper was on Charlemagne (he’s some Canadian dude, retard), you will need to start your paper with: “My bitch Charlemagne had some big, swingin’ balls.” This will segue nicely into your discussion of his military strategy, because it takes balls to conquer Canada. What if your paper is on World War II? Still works. “World War II had some big, swingin’ balls.” Then start your discussion of the Holocaust.

3. It’s not content, it’s font that counts. Nobody’s gonna tell you this, but I’m your homie, so I’ll let you in on a little secret. In Teacher School, all your professors have a semester where they become fluent in Wingdings. They’ll be so tickled that you’re reaching out to them in their own tongue that it’s an automatic A. It’ll be an A+ if you bold and underline everything.

4. You have to have a classy sign-off. Switch back to that ol’ Times New Roman for a second and really land your paper. Everybody knows another word for “conclusion” is “masturbation,” and you don’t want to jerk off your professor, unless she’s smoking hot. So, skip the conclusion and make it simple and classy: “Your welcome for the knowledge, fucktards, stay skeezy!”

Which brings me to my final point. In order to succeed at life, please, please, please remember this tip: “Your” means “you are,” and “you’re” means “belonging to you.” I can’t believe how many people get this wrong.