"Beard, why do you taunt me?": A conversation with my splotchy facial hair.

Me: This is going to look sweet when it comes in!

(Gazing into mirror at five o’clock shadow)

Fast forward 3 months

Me: Holy crap! Don’t even recognize myself now… Grizzly Adams! Woo!

Beard: You realize this looks awful… right?

Me: I’m sorry?

Beard: Me, the beard, you know I look terrible right? Look at how splotchy and patchy I am.

Me: Nah, you just haven’t fully grown out yet. It’ll fill in.

Beard: First of all… I never understood how I can grow OUT and fill IN – pick one. Secondly, you haven’t shaved in 3 months! At what speed do you think facial hair grows? See that guy over there… no, next him… yeah, him. His beard looks awesome and he was clean shaven last week!

Me: Yeah, but look… you have established yourself in all the right areas… neck, cheeks, chin and above the lip.

Beard: Ok, it’s not like I am not trying here… I just think my services may be betterused as a goatee or maybe just a soul patch.

Me: Do you remember last week at that party… those two chicks totally dug my scruff!

Beard: First off… DO YOU REMEMBER THAT PARTY!?!?!? One of those chicks was a guy and the other was a lawn chair. I don’t think getting me punched and then landing face first on a folding apparatus qualifies as “dug on my scruff”.

Me: So that’s where I got this wicked cool scar!

Scar: It’s called tetanus… might wanna have that looked at.

Beard: Look, my point is… we tried and I don’t think it’s working out. It’s not you! It’s me! I am just afraid of commitment and I really want to spend my college years experimenting. So… text me sometime, k? Laties!