My Break-Up with Beer

Me: Hey beer. Have a seat. (Beer sits down) Listen. You know we’ve gone through a lot. I mean, high school sweethearts, right? Gosh it seems like yesterday I tasted you for the first time. Don’t laugh, that wasn’t sexual. This is serious. Look, the reason I called you over here is…well…lately the boys have been pissed that I’ve been spending so much time with you.

Beer: ….

Me: They think we’ve been getting too clingy. Which is fine, like, if we’re doing the freak nasty all the time but…lately, I dunno…you’ve just made me feel like crap.

Beer: (Shocked face)

Me: Last night was the icing on the cake. I’ve never felt that bad in my life. I felt like I wanted to die. And…it was your fault. You made me feel that way. I think…I just think it’d be good if….if we took a break for awhile.

Beer: You’re never getting head from me again!

Me: Baby, wait!

(Beer leaves)

Day One

Me: Shit, what did I do? Maybe I should call beer. No. You’re tough. You’re a man. You can do this. You don’t need beer.

Day Two

Me: Jesus christ I need beer. This is fucking ridiculous. We’re fighting over nothing. I’m just gonna call. Just to say hi, that’s all. (Phone rings. Straight to voicemail. Hangs up.) Fucking whore!

Day Three

Me: Ok, maybe I’ll take up a hobby. Like…uh…origami! Yeah, that’s not gay. That’ll be sweet.

Five minutes later…

Me: Fuck cranes!

Day Four

Me: Hey, you know what? This isn’t so bad. I’m actually…I feel better. I feel like, healthier or something. Maybe I…maybe I’m better off without beer!

Day Five

Me: (Looking at Beer’s facebook profile) “Hanging out with some frat guys”?!? That slut!

Day Six

At a party

Me: Oh, hey beer. What’s up. Yeah? Oh good I’m glad you passed it. The LSAT’s a hard test. Me? I feel really great, actually. I’ve been doing really well. Had some vodkas over to my place last night, it was fun. What? No, I’m not trying to make you jealous. No, fuck you, I’m over you, I don’t care. Stop crying. Look, just stop crying alright? Stop….I love you baby. I love you so much. I’m so sorry. It’s been so hard without you. I don’t care if you hung out with frat guys, I don’t…yeah I facebook stalked you. I love you! What else am I supposed to do? God this feels so good, you taste so good baby. Let’s never fight again, alright? I love you too much. Let’s never fight. You’re the best.

Day Seven

Me: (Waking up in a pile of vomit on the bathroom floor next to the toilet) Maybe this was a bad idea.