Std Survival Guide

By Nick Nieuwenhuis

We all have to do things in our life that makes us uncomfortable, such as go to a funeral, shower, masturbate a cat etc.However, during college, you will make some bad decisions that will put you in the most uncomfortable place of you life, that’s right; I’m talking about the STD clinic.But no need to fear, I will guide you through the whole process for men.Yes, everything from the waiting room, to getting your wiener poked with a q-tip.I will explain how you’re going to feel throughout this fabulous journey.

Step 1:Entering the waiting room.Here is the start, you walk into the waiting room and seem to notice that everybody seems to be eye fucking you.You act casual, pretend that your in the clinic for some other reason than getting your dick checked out, but these people can see right through you, and know that your getting checked out because you just noticed a neon green rash on your dick.Anyway, as you sit down your heart starts racing.You start looking at the other people that are waiting with you and start wondering what fun stds they have.Kind of like, “I bet that fat girl has warts,” or “that girl is hot, I would still have sex with her and get herpes,” or “why is that fat guy in here, I bet he never had sex.”After thinking for awhile, and completely grossing yourself out, you start watching the people coming in and out of the doctor’s office.You start paying attention to their reactions.When they come out happy you assume that they got lucky, and don’t have anything; and when they come out sad/crying, you assume they got HIV, and mark them off the list of people you would have sex with.Then you wonder if you can get an STD from getting eye fucked. After a while of this, your name gets called.Its time……

Step 2:Doctors office:You stand up and walk with the nurse to the patient room.Your heart starts racing again.You go into your room, and there is already a doctor waiting for you.“Have a seat,” he says.You sit down and he’ll give you some paperwork you have to fill out.The questions will be as follows:“How many people have you slept with,”“what type of sex, oral, vaginal, and anal” and “are you allergic to any medications.”For the first question you lie and put a lower amount to make you feel better about yourself.The second question you check the first two boxes, because everybody knows no girl ever does anal.And the final question you put, “only that one time I mixed valum, Viagra, and booze, I had an allergic reaction and had a seizure with a rock hard cock.”This was the easy part, now to the scary part.

Step 3:The tests:The doctor says, “lets have a looksie at your lil’ willie.”So wondering if hes a sick perve, or just a really unprofessional doctor you pull your pants down.After checking up and down all 13 inches (individual results may vary, this is my experience) he’ll then do some nods and grunts, then pull out a big metal q tip.Wondering what the hell hes doing, he’ll ask you how you think the packers will do this year, then proceed to jam it in your or dick hole.Ignoring the question, you let out a manly, “eeeeeaah.”After spinning the q-tip of death around for a bit, he’ll pull it out and tell you to pee in a cup.He takes you to the bathroom and waits outside the door as you go tinkle in the cup.You start peeing in the cup and you notice that it burns.Now your head starts spinning and you wonder if the burning pee is from an std or because of the fact that you just had your little fireman impaled.Anywho, you finish peeing and give the cup back to the doctor.

Step 4:The wait:Arguably the toughest part of the whole journey.Here you go back to the waiting room and start wondering if you have a love virus.You think of what dirty ho could have given it to you, and start kicking yourself for not just saying no.Then you remember; gays say no to girls.Pondering some more, you start thinking to yourself that it might not be that bad to have a peiner pal.You start thinking about all the people you can bring down with you.You think, “If HIV is going to bring me down in 9 years, I’m bringing everybody I can with me!”Starting to feel optimistic about having a wiener weapon, your doctor comes out and crushes your dreams saying that you are clean.(again individual results may vary)

There you have it.This is the male version of the STD test, but I’m sure that its pretty much the same for the women.