Guide to a succesful one night stand

Disclaimer:This is for all the guys that want to have a one-night-stand, but are just too big of pussies to have one.If this guide doesn’t help you create one of the most magic moments of your life, well….maybe you should just turn gay.With that being said, good luck in turning a man.

First things first, you must go out the night before.It doesn’t matter, but it has to be out, and alcohol must be involved.You must partake in any and every drinking game presented to you.Although your mind might be telling you that this is a bad idea, and you might puke later……ignore it, what the hell does your mind know, and don’t you want everybody to think that you are cool?I thought so.Next, after the kegs are all cashed, you must leave the party.When the kegs are cashed, you have no reason to be at the party anyway.After you get back to the dorms, you’ll realized that you’ve sobered up a bit.Well, we can’t be having this now can we?Next, you must drink with some of your friends until you start to feel sick, or start to have some shortness of breath.Even then, you should just chug one more. Finally, you must pass out.Need not worry, you won’t have to change your clothes for the amazing undertaking that will happen the next night.

The next day wake up roughly around 2:00pm, and make sure you miss any class that you were supposed to go too.You’ve got a big night ahead of you, don’t let school interfere and fuck it up, there are enough cock blocks out there already.As you examine yourself after rolling out of bed, if all went according to plan, you should have some spilt beer on your shirt.Don’t you fret little bear, this is the key to your success for tonight.

Throughout the day, don’t worry about doing anything productive, because before you know it, its 9 at night and people are already starting to drink again.At this time do not change your shirt, don’t shower, but you must, I mean must, finally put some pants on.Because contrary to popular belief, some girls think a guy is a little too forward when he approaches them with no pants on.In some situations, not mine of course, but some situations where a girl will immediately burst into laughter.Anyway, now what you must do is drink in the dorms tonight. Find a room with some girls that you met at the start of the year, but haven’t talked to since and just start hanging out with them.Now that part might scare you, but don’t you worry my little caterpillar, you must remember that they are drunk and harmless.Worst case scenario, you’ll end up having to take a bunch of meaningless pictures of the girls “first time” beer bong or power hour, that you’ll end up seeing on facebook.com the next morning.

After awhile of all these “funny” pictures, some of the girls will end up getting bored and wandering to some of the other boys rooms…..don’t worry, you can’t win them all.However, the couple girls that decide to hang back, they didn’t go for couple reasons.

Scenario 1:They don’t feel comfortable around these boys, because they think that they players, and all they want is sex.These girls you want to stay away from, they might be lesbians or religious girls.Either way, you don’t want to bother with them.You’d have a better chance convincing your sister to sleep with you…..not that I’d know.

Scenario 2:They are too tired, and just want to go talk to their boyfriend on aim, who lives all the way in Florida. And she’s convinced that he would never cheat on her, because he a different type of guy.(Sure he won’t…..)This type of girl you want to stay away from also.She likes to make believe that her boyfriend never cheated on her, and if you still try to hook up with her, you’ll be making believe that your hand is actually a vagina.

Scenario 3:These girls didn’t leave because they are too busy tackling each other in the corner and pouring beer everywhere but in their mouths.These, my friends, are one of the girls you will be hooking up with tonight.Don’t worry though; you can upgrade yourself as you do this more often.

After you have your dream date “Scenario 3” girl sitting next to you, she should say something about the stain on your shirt.It is then you must respond, “Aw, why did you spill beer on me!?”She will respond, “What, oh I’m so sorry, I got a little rowdy, let me clean that up.”She will then try to suck the dried out beer from the night before, out of your shirt.After the human armadillo is done sucking your shirt, you will then be able to bring her face to yours and she will whisper to you to go back to your room.Bingo.

As you get into your room and get naked, she might ask you if you have a condom.It is that time you are going start hating yourself for not caring one on you all the time.But don’t worry your not out of the game yet.Shrug your shoulders and say something like, “I had one, but I think it fell out of my pocket.”Then this “gem of a girl” that you brought back into your room will have this blank stare on her face.I know it might look like she’s “thinking”, but don’t you worry, she’s not.Then she’ll ask you if you’re clean.Because everybody knows that if you say that you’re clean, that’s just as good, if not more effective, than using a condom.You think back, and remember that you’ve always had sex with a condom before, and therefore you shouldn’t have to use one now.So you respond, “Yes, of course.”Then you ask her if she’s on the pill, and if you’re lucky she will respond, “Yes,” also.You then take advantage of this great opportunity to raw-dog it with this stranger and not have to worry about babies afterward.Right before you get down to business, I guarantee you will hear these 12 words.“I swear I’ve never done this before, only with long term boyfriends.”You must completely ignore this hoo-ha.You know how hard you had to work to get her in your room….it wasn’t that hard was it?But naturally, you’ll forget about it, at least you won’t have a kid.

The next morning is where many men will fall short.The girl might get attached, and there is no way of getting her out of your room.Don’t you fret my little ladies man, with these following ideas, you’ll be making girls run out of your room, like there is a sale at Express.

Suggestion 1:Tell her that now she’s caught them all!Even if this isn’t true, she’ll be so paranoid that she will never want to see you again.

Suggestion 2:Tell her to make a promise that she’ll never tell your real girlfriend who is still in high school what happened.

Suggestion 3:Lets be honest, you’re afraid to do it in front of your girlfriends, but if you want this hoochie out of your room lickity split……a little male flatulence never hurt anybody.

I hope that this little guide helps guide you to those girls of your dreams.If you do everything I tell you, you will have an amazing life as a ladies man.