How to quit a job

By Nick Nieuwenhuis

There are many hard times in everybody’s life at one point or another…unless you’re a rich white kid…and in that case, go fuck yourself because you won’t ever have to deal with any real world issues.However, most of us “normal” folk, will at one point or another, get this bizarre thing called a job.After countless years of slaving away at the shit hole, you may decide that you are sick of working for some prick (hoochie mamma, if your boss happens to be a woman which is unlikely), and may feel the desire to burn some bridges while quitting your job.There are many ways to leave a job.You could peacefully give notice and leave like a pussy, or you could burn the motha fuckin bridge and write a “I’m quitting” letter.Follow these directions carefully and in no time flat you will find yourself behind the Negroes in the welfare line.

Salutation

Dear Honorable Boss with huge penis/boobs,

Starting the letter out like this will for sure flatter your boss, leaving them with a soft spot for you, and without a doubt they will read on because they think that they are going to hear more compliments about how great they are.

Thesis

I, (state name), am resigning from (place of employment).

Using the word resigning will give the boss the impression that you are going to be mature about your leaving.The last thing they will expect would be a letter about how they are a big piece of shit, and that you would wish that they’d die.

Body

The body portion is the place to really lay it on the boss.Let him/her really know what you’re feeling, and your true reason for leaving.However, it is very important that you cover these details somewhere within the body.

Marriage.By the time somebody has finally made it to boss status, they will have spent so much time giving extra hours and filling out reports, to appease the boss before them, they will have almost, if not totally forgot about the wants/needs of their lover.Their marriage is almost in the shitter, its time you come and wipe it down.

Sexuality.Nobody likes the subhuman race of gays and lesbians, and people don’t like it even more if they are accused of being part of it.And if you really want to get creative with this, accuse your male boss of being a lesbian.Then you can really watch the sparks fly.

Mention their childhood.This is the easiest, and the most effective part of the letter.This part you don’t have to be specific at all, but they will take it as an insult.You can say, “By the way, I also know about your uncle.”The reader will be so shocked that you found out about them getting molested by their Uncle Harry as a child, that they will for sure break down in tears.The reason this insult works is because everybody has a creepy uncle that molested them at one point of their life or another……don’t they?

Closure

This is where you really add insult to injury.The boss should now just be in shambles by the time they make it to this part, the noose should be around his/her neck right now, and this is the part that is going to make him/her kick the chair out.Whats the best way to do this you ask?Well that’s funny you ask, the answer is sarcasm.Tell them that their jokes were just sooooooo funny and that you couldn’t stop laughing for like 100 days straight.Tell them that you couldn’t believe that chickens were crossing roads just to get to the other side!Also tell them that their toupee/boobs, looked surprisingly real and went right along with their personality.

Sincerely,

(Your Name)

There you did it!You took matters into your own hands, and stuck it to the man/woman.Now you can stand in that welfare line knowing that you brought somebody else down with you………hmm, maybe you should have kept the job after all.