The Thing About Hot Drunk Girls...

You think I’m gonna say something like “They’re fucking hot and dripping wet for you.” Well, kinda. See, the hotter the drunk girl is, the more insecure she is. She can hide it when she’s sober, but when she gets sloppy, all bets are off.

A hot girl is onlyhot when she’s not talking. When she starts talking, you’re in trouble.Because the drunker they are and the more they talk, the sooner they’ll hit upon a subject that makes them cry. Like an ex-boyfriend, or that Twinkie they ate for lunch and just couldn’t barf up.

This is the anatomy of a conversation with a hot drunk girl that’s straddling the fence:

“WOOOOOOOOOO!” she says at first, “Thiss iz like the best, oh my god, hahahahahahaha, yeah, oh shit, yeah!!!! Jello Shoooooots! CASEY! CAAAAAAAAAAAA-SEY! Come HERE you dumb SLUT! Hahahahahaha. Okay, okay, ready everybody? Okay! Letsh do these SYOTS!”

“Oh HEY KEVIN!!!!!!!” is what she says when she notices you, “Omigod, like holy shit, remember Professor BARFman, hahahahahahaha, in class he was all like ‘The quantum theory of makes fart noise,‘ HAHAHA. I can’t believe you’re HERE! Shit, okay, come here. I just had me some Hyp-no-tickkkkkk and it’s so fruuuucking awesome, like off the dizzllle… HAHAHAHA OFF THE DIZZLE!!! CASEY!!! DID YOU HEAR THAT? OFFFFFFF DAAAAAAAA DIZZZZZZZZZZLLLLLEEEE!!!!”

“Kuvin,” she says, three shots later, “let’s go outside. Pleeeeeeeezzzz. Do you have a cigretteeee? Where thfucks Casey, I know that fucknbitch has some fucken cig.a.rettes… Shit. No, come on. Just let’s go, like I gotta talk to you. BLAKE!!!!!! GET ME FUCKENBEER!!!”

Here you think you’re gonna score. Well, you’re not. At least not until after it gets a whole lot worse.

“Kevdflyn, duuuude. So what the FUCKS up with you? Yeah? That’s GREAT. You know… (here she gets a little crack in her voice) Nuthin. Never-well, okay, I just… I juss… doyouthing I’m pretty? (Tears well up in her eyes) Cuzz… shit… stupid, you fucking slud. (Here she may may hit herself lightly) I jush. I dunno. Its jush that CAY-CEY always haz all thishit going for her, yuhknow? She’s sooooo pretty.”

Fast forward five minutes.

“And thun he wus jussh like I’M SHLEEPING WITH YYOURROOMATE and I wus just like… (Sobbing) Jew know? CUsh I really just fucking, fucking, THAT MUTHERFUCKER!!! I was so fucking in love withat asshole and he just fucking (More sobbing) and its just like my fucking dad was riii-iii-iiight. I’m jsut a fucking paira fucking tits (She grabs her breasts angrily) fu-uuu-uuuuck. Lishen. LISHEN . Kuhvin.. Shid. I’m so redarded for talkingbout thish. Pleesh. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. Shhhhhhhhhhh.”

Now you can either swoop in valiantly and usher her to her room. If she barfs, personally I would bail, but you have a chance of her making it home intact. Besides, her roomate may be home and you know she’s a whore. If you’re just a little creeped out about the possible incest she just hinted at, check back inside. Maybe Casey is in better shape. And yeah. she is prettier.