An Open Letter to Koala Bears

Dear Koala Bears,

Please live here. You are just so goshdarn cute that I cannot even contain myself. Because of your sheer adorability, I am penning this letter in hopes of convincing you to travel a bit closer in proximity to my country of North America.

I just feel that it is very unfair that you live so far away. It’s not that I wish to disrupt your natural habitat and bring you into an unfamiliar environment; it is really quite the opposite. I would take such good care of you that you wouldn’t even notice a difference. I’d supply you with everything required to lead a normal life. Delicious eucalyptus leaves? You got it, little bud. You require plenty of spare time to rest your charming little marsupial eyes? Not a problem whatsoever.

Besides, I bet you’d really enjoy living here. I’d build you a little cage in my closet, where you could just chill out and nap for hours upon hours. I would obviously create identical surroundings to which you are accustomed to so that you would barely notice the fact that you are not in your natural environment. I realize that you do in fact sleep through the majority of the day and are mostly active only at night, which is totally fine since I’m already used to my current roommate doing as much.

Now you’re probably asking yourself “why does this silly American want me to immediately move across the world upon his request?” along with “how am I such a fluent reader of the English language?” Well, you see, I have never had the opportunity to pet a koala bear before. Whenever I daydream about such an event (which is quite frequently), I imagine it being a very soft and enjoyable experience.

I’d be lying if I told you I didn’t envision you as an extremely innocent and courteous animal. You just seem like a very pleasant little fellow who enjoys making hot chocolate and volunteering at homeless shelters in your spare time.

And yes, we can do both when you arrive.

Please take all of this into consideration, as you would have so much fun! You may even have so much fun that you’ll forget that you have inverted thumbs! Ha ha, just kidding. But seriously, how about it? Please?


Eagerly awaiting your response,

Jake Klocksien