Faking Death and College Exams

Faking death is probably the not the best idea when it comes to getting out of college exams, however desperate times call for desperate measures. If exam time rolls around again and faking death is your only way out, here are some helpful things to keep mind.

When deciding on how to die
- Avoid slow deaths such as emphysema. Faking this would take far too long and is not as believable as, say, a gunshot or heart attack. If you go with a gunshot do NOT use a real gun.
- ADD is never fatal, no matter how late you are diagnosed.
- The fake bombs are only believable if there is an actual explosion. Real bombs are dangerous; a tissue box covered in tin foil looks just as real (buttons and switches can be drawn on with sharpie).

Once “death” has been decided, do not forget these things while lying dead in front of your professor
- Control your breathing and heartbeat (stop it if possible).
- Once the teacher is convinced, do NOT get up and leave the classroom. Wait until they call the janitor or ask for volunteers from the class to carry you out.
- Do not cough.
- Do not respond to questions. All teachers are weary of the fake death routine and might try to trick you, just remember dead people don’t talk so they can’t respond to questions.
- If the teacher says something like “oh wow it’s Oscar Wilde!” DO NOT GET UP, OSCAR WILDE HAS BEEN DEAD SINCE 1900. Teachers know how much college kids love late Victorian playwrights and will stop at nothing to fool dead students into being alive.

Once your fake death is a success REMEMBER
- You are technically deceased; don’t be surprised if the teacher doesn’t give you a final grade.
- Try not to run into that professor. If you do, immediately play dead, seeing you alive might raise suspicions.
- Avoid, at all costs, taking another class with that professor. If you have to, keep your cool and completely deny having ever died. Here is a helpful example of how the conversation might go:

Professor: Didn’t you die during my final exam last semester?
Dignan: no, I don’t think so, maybe it was some one else?
Professor: are you sure? Because I could have sworn it was you.
Dignan: no, I don’t recall having died before. I really think you have me mistaken.
Professor: no, I have it in my teacher’s notebook here that it was in fact you.
Dignan: no.
Professor: oh ok, your probably right, I did have a lot of students die that semester. I am really sorry for the mistake.
Dignan: Its cool, I get that all the time. Just don’t let it happen ever again.