Hottest Girl Recap

Our America’s Hottest College Girl contest is well underway. And so far, it’s been an amazing ride. We’ve laughed, cried, and masturbated again and again. You, the voters, are personally responsible for crushing the dreams of 32 hopeful contestants. How does that feel you sick, sick bastards? Now that the first round has come and gone, let’s take a look back at what we’ve learned.

1. You guys might be racist? Our three most ethnic contenders, Ryan R, Tiffany C and YM C all lost their first round decisions. Great job, Bigots.

2. We had the closest match-up in history. And Mallori S must hate her two friends who forgot to sign on an vote for her when she faced Brittany R. After 15,602 votes, only 2 kept Mallori from advancing. That means if just one person voted for Mallori instead of Brittani they would have tied, and our contest module would have exploded.

3. Choosing between Christy B and Lesley S is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I compare it to that story where a railroad operator whose son goes to play on the tracks over a bridge just before a train comes in has to choose between derailing the train and killing hudreds, or killing his kid. I am so, so sorry, Christy B. I hope we can still be friends.

4. Every Hottest Girl tourney has a Cinderella story, and this year it’s looking like it could be Rachael N. If Racheal can survive Ashley “I’ve never heard of John Candy” M in round 2, she’ll face either of Ashley I or Emily P.

5. The Americans burned Toronto down during the war of 1812. Take that, Canada.