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Andrew John

State of the Union: Bumper Stickers

by Andrew John on

Lately I’ve noticed that you can learn a lot about a person from the stupid shit they put on their car. Here’s a few attitudes I’ve spotted around campus.

I hate Bush (The President, not the pubes.I love pubes).
I hate our current President so much that I have left the bumper stickers from the 2000 AND the 2004 election on my Honda Civic.There is no way to show disapproval for the leader of the free world than refusing to remove an adhesive advertisement for hispolitical opponentsfrom my vehicle. Gore ’08, baby!

I hate a rival sports team.
I hate (insert a rival sports team that’s usually better than the one I support) so much that I bought one of those stickers that has the little kid from the comic strip that’s eight years old urinating on their logo.That’ll show’em!

I like NASCAR.
A recent study stated that bumper stickers are less common nowadays because people are less resolute about their convictions.I’ll tell you one thing I’m resolute as hell about: THE INTIMIDATOR WILL NOT BE FORGOTTEN!Yeah, Dale Earnhardt was the fucking man.I always try to drive my camouflage pick-up truck like I know would make him proud. #3 Forever!

I kinda want to support causes.
Do I want to support the troops? Yes.Do I want to find a cure for breast cancer? Sure.But do I want to actually put adhesive on my minivan? Whoa, hold on there.I think a magnet that I bought in the checkout line from Walgreens sufficiently conveys my level of support.

I love Bush.
I picked the winner of the last two elections, of course I’m going to show it off on my bumper.I have sentiments of appreciation and support like, “W: Our President.”I really like boiling down our President’s name to a single letter, it’s so much easier than watching the news.

I go to school in this city.
I figured that I go to this school so I should probably buy one of those clear stickers from the bookstore that go in my back window.I can’t wait to graduate and buy an alumni license plate holder!

I’m clever.
Just check out these clever, ironic bumper stickers I found online. And if you think my bumper stickers are clever, you should see my T-shirts!

I really like 50 Cent.
I want to be like him so much I put stickers on myhoopty that make it look like it’s been shot!Sweet, shorty!
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