My Roommate, The Bully!

Two years ago a nerd was looking for off-campus housing and found a really killer two bedroom close to school but had no friends to occupy the second room. Forced to find an emergency roommate before he lost the lease, he asked the only person he knew to be his roommate: his bully. The Bully, having just got kicked out of his frat house for animal cruelty (he wrestled a golden retriever to death) had no option but to accept the nerd’s request.

This is their story

2 P.M. Living Room – Nerd comes home from class, sits down on the couch and turns on the TV. Bully enters.

Bully: Well, Well, Well. Look what we have here…

Nerd: Come on, Blake… Leave me alone.

Bully: Unlikely.

(Bully steals the remote and throws it out of the window)

Nerd: That’s your remote, too.

(Bully puts Nerd in a headlock)

Bully: This is for patronizing me.

Nerd: Get off of me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


8 P.M. Kitchen — Nerd is eating dinner he made for him and his roommate, the Bully. Bully Enters.

Bully: Well, Well ,Well… Look what we have here…

Nerd: Leave me alone, Blake.

Bully: Give me your salad, Salad Boy.

Nerd: I made you one. It’s in the refrigerator. Saran wrapped.

(Bully takes Nerds salad and dumps it on Nerd’s head.)

Bully: That’s for not letting my vegetables breathe, fart knocker.

Nerd: Can I have your salad then?

Bully: Sure. I just lost my appetite.


Midnight. Nerd’s Room — Nerd is sitting down at his computer doing homework. Bully Enters.

Bully: Well, Well, Well… Look what we have here.

Nerd: Leave me alone, Blake. I’m doing homework.

Bully: Negative.

(Bully lifts up Nerd’s laptop and breaks it over his knee.)

Nerd: Okay, that’s it! That is the last straw. I can’t do this anymore! I’m moving out. Find yourself a new roommate.

Bully: No wait!

Nerd: What do you want now? To give me a noogie? I’m done. I can’t live like this. Two years we’ve been living together and every day you pick on me! That’s the thirty-first laptop you broke! I can’t afford it. I’m sorry but I just can’t.

Bully: I’m sorry. Here. (Bully hands Nerd an even better laptop) I got this for your birthday.

Nerd: Wow… a 17 incher… Thanks.

Bully: No problem. So you’ll stay?

Nerd: Yeah. Yeah, I’ll stay.

Bully: Good. I’m happy.

Nerd: Me too, Blake. Me too.


3 A.M Nerds Room — Nerd is asleep in his bed. Bully comes in with his friends.

Bully: Well, Well, Well. Look what we have here. Sleeping Nerdy.

Nerd: What’s going on?

Bully: Just a Nerd tax for living with me. (Blake lifts up Nerds new laptop and breaks it over his knee. He looks at Nerd and mouths “I’m so sorry.”) Go fuck yourself. Let’s get outta here guys.