Staff Picks

Brian Paulsen

Bracket Tips

by Brian Paulsen on

  • If you don’t have a degree in Bracketology, don’t even bother.
  • Pledge that in the future you will travel back to 2007 and give your past self a sports almanac.
  • The more money it costs to enter a pool, the better your chances of winning? Right?
  • Be careful. If you’ve got the Blue Barracudas vs. the Purple Parrots in the finals, you’re going in on a Legends of the Hidden Temple pool. If you’ve got Ashley I vs. Sam C, you have entered an America’s Hottest College Girl pool. If you’re wet, you have entered an actual pool.
  • Remember to pick the teams that will win. Year after year, people make the mistake of picking the teams that lose.
  • Fill out your bracket as quickly as possible. I don’t care if you have two high schools in the Final Four. GO GO GO!
  • One strategy is to pick based on which mascot would win in a fight. If you don’t know, stage an actual fight. Next up: Irish guy vs. alligator in the Midwest Final.
  • Remember: it’s the Sweet Sixteen, so pick teams that sound like delicious fruits. (Example: Belmont = Banana, Albany = Apple, Oral Roberts: Orange Guava. Etc. etc. etc.)
  • Keep in mind that Syracuse, wait… I don’t see Syracuse. Better double check.
  • Texas A&M is actually one team. You have A going to the Elite Eight and M going to the Final Four for some reason.
  • You have a better chance of winning if you just let your girlfriend pick at random. This is especially true if you’re dating ESPN Bracketlogist Joe Lunardi, you lucky prick.
  • If you’re stuck, remember that first team alphabetically wins almost 53% of the time. Work those odds!
See More
Like this Article
URL Close
Brian Paulsen

Brian Paulsen

View Profile
Recent Articles
More
uPick
I Fought the Law Run-ins with the cops See All »
Up +27 Down
Plastic Joe

So my uncle steals credit cards. It's kind of his thing. They once called him 'Plastic Joe' on the news, which he wildly objected to, claiming that it made him sound "like a Goddamn vibrator!" Anyway, when I was 11, the cops were raiding our house, looking for evidence to incarcerate my dear, misguided uncle. The whole family is on the porch, and my lazy-eyed dog... Read More » will not stop barking at the asshole police. They tell us that we had better shut the dog up, because he does have the authority to shoot it. I'm thinking that if he even tries to shoot my dumbass mouth breather dog, I'll punch him in the tooth. A couple of minutes later, another officer comes out of the house, and slams down a comically large orange envelope on the table, and blank credit cards and credit card paraphernalia spill out everywhere. The officer has death in his eyes, and demands to know who the envelope belongs to. Nobody says anything. But then smart ass 11 year old me stands up, and says dramatically, "Officer. Those are obviously mine. I'm a mafia crime lord. They call me Plastic Joe." I extend my wrists for cuffs. "Be gentle." The shit hits the fan. The officers get furious, my grandma is trying to tell them I was obviously joking, my sister is calling me stupid, and my uncle is laughing his balls off. 11 year old girl: 1 Cops: 0 Well, I mean...my uncle did end up getting arrested. So...maybe it's a tie.